Breaking: Trump names Secretary of Health and Human Services
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) — President for Life-Elect Donald Trump has recently begun naming his advisors for his next term in office. His second Cabinet pick was for the Secretary of Health and Human Services.
In a shocking development to those who expected antivaxer and former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., for this post, Trump has instead selected Joseph Mercola, D.O.
“Dr. Mercola is one of President Trump’s favorite doctors,” said a Trump advisor who spoke only on the condition the interview be held in a dark alley at midnight. “Dr. Mercola endorses many health care methods that President Trump prefers, such as homeopathy and chelation. He has a lot more credibility than Kennedy, who will be given a role in the next administration in thanks for all he’s done, but Dr. Mercola is a real physician so he was the obvious choice.”
“You’re kidding, right?” said Stephen Barrett, the retired psychologist who outs health frauds on his website quackwatch.org. “Mercola is one of the few people who’ve had posts taken down on a website he owns. He’s such a prolific spreader of bullshit I had to install another server just for him on my own website. He was rated the number-one spreader of COVID misinformation during the pandemic. Name the treatment modality, and if it doesn’t work he’s all for it. For fuck’s sake, he was pushing leeches until mainstream medicine found out they reestablish blood flow; the day real doctors begin performing hirudotherapy was the day Mercola got rid of his leeches. He hasn’t leeched since…at least, not with actual leeches. No wonder Trump picked him.”
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