Spurious News: Trump bans email, social media, phones by executive order!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- "I was elected to Make America Great Again," said King Donald Trump. "America was great when all we had was real mail, not this e-mail and social garbage. So, today I will Make Mail Great Again!"
According to an executive order King Donald signed today entitled "On Making Mail Great Again," the only legal forms of communication in the United States are handwritten letters mailed with hand-applied stamps and in-person visits. The order bans electronic mail, social media, telephone calls and text messages. Violators will be punished with a $5000 fine and 60 months in federal prison. The order takes effect immediately.
"Electronic communication is the backbone of the American economy," said Tim Cook, chief executive officer of Apple, Inc. "If you thought his tariffs screwed things up, you ain't seen nothing yet."
Not even Trump's own staff plans to follow the order. According to White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, "we've decided to just take the SIM card out of his phone and not tell him the world is ignoring him."
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The rest of us will carry on as usual.
