Hello! Trust Me, Vladimir Putin, When I Promise Russian Soldiers Are Not Eating Each Other
Greetings and hello, slack-jawed American ninnyhammers of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, back to make the talk to you. It has been some time since we spoke, da? Let us just consult glorious Wonkette archive ... not since phony Western Christmas has Vladimir checked in. So long ago! So long ago, even Mets fans had not yet lost all hope for season. As usual, they waited until February.
Ha ha, just a little America’s pastime humor, Wonkette! Vladimir does not care for baseball. He does not, how do you say, get it? Pitcher generously tries to throw you ball, and instead of catching and keeping, you try to hit ball as far away from you as you can. Why do you not just keep baseball? Why do you not collect all baseballs in secret Swiss bank accounts while other Americans go baseball-less? If terrified Russian oligarch gives Vladimir Rolls Royce Ghost as show of appreciation for letting him make money and not skydive from window, Vladimir does not immediately put it in glorious revolutionary catapult and shoot it into Ural Mountains. What would be point?
Did you think your friend Vladimir had abandoned you? Nyet! Vladimir would never abandon Wonkette. Is only American outlet where he gets to show off humorous side. New York Times is always so serious. It is always “Mr. President, how long will you stay in Ukraine” this and “Mr. President, do you hate the men who say they are women as much as we do” that. Borrrrring!
Let Vladimir make joke. Or he will have you shot. Ha ha! More joke! Or is it? Maybe!
But Vladimir did not come here today to talk American baseball. There is much other news to be talked at to you about special military operation that is not war in Ukraine. Granted, calling conflict that has 1.2 million Russian casualties “not a war” might seem strange. But is not war! And there have not been 1.2 million Russian casualties. Glorious Russian soldiers simply napping. When they wake up, look out, Zionist Nazi government of Ukraine!
https://www.wonkette.com/p/hello-trust-me-vladimir-putin-when
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