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The Borowitz Report: Jokes Officially Approved by the Trump White House
Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/jokes-officially-approved-by-the
Dear friends, I was away from my computer for the weekend so I didn't get a chance to post this for your entertainment until today:
WASHINGTON—On Saturday morning, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt delivered the following press briefing:
Members of the press, as you all know (and as many of you witnessed firsthand), there was a horrific assassination attempt at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last Saturday. This heinous attack has made it clear that the only way to stop gun violence in America is to put tighter restrictions on liberal hate speech, which continues to encourage radical leftists to carry out these despicable shootings.
We believe Saturday’s attack was the direct result of a so-called “joke” told by failed comedian Jimmy Kimmel two days before the shooting, in which he claimed that First Lady Melania Trump had a “glow like an expectant widow.” It is obvious that Kimmel’s violent rhetoric is what motivated the gunman. There’s a huge difference between telling a joke, like when I said that there would be “shots fired” that night, and what Kimmel did. Anyone can see that Kimmel’s remark was a death threat, while mine was an innocent observation about the irreverent monologue the president was planning to deliver.
Since comedians can no longer be trusted to entertain audiences without inspiring deranged killers, the White House has issued the following list of approved jokes. Any comic deviating from this list will have their network’s FCC license revoked and will be subject to detention and questioning by FBI Director Kash Patel at his field office in the Bellagio Casino.
Jokes officially approved by the White House include:
* Why did the Democrat cross the road? To get away from the mugger in their crime-ridden sanctuary city!
* What do you call it when JD Vance corrects the pope’s misguided views on the Iran War? Getting Catholic schooled!
* What’s the difference between President Trump and a narcoleptic orangutan? One’s an orange ape that can’t stay awake, the other is President Trump! It’s funny because the president is totally lucid and normal-colored so he and the orangutan are complete opposites!
* Kash Patel, Pete Hegseth, and Jeannine Pirro walk into a bar. They order mocktails and have a productive conversation about better coordination between the military and law enforcement.
* Melania, you have a glow like a happily married woman who clearly loves being around her husband!
* I’m glad Robert Mueller is dead! (It’s okay to joke about someone’s death as long as they were a bad person and not a good person like Charlie Kirk.)
* “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “ICE.” “ICE who?” “We are not legally obligated to disclose our identities; put your hands behind your back and get into our unmarked vehicle!” Get it? Because we don’t like immigrants!
* You can’t spell “socialist” without A-O-C!
* There’s a new tongue-twister about James Comey. It goes: “He spelled sea shells now he’ll see a cell.” A jail cell... you know... ’cause he was indicted again?
- more at link -
Members of the press, as you all know (and as many of you witnessed firsthand), there was a horrific assassination attempt at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last Saturday. This heinous attack has made it clear that the only way to stop gun violence in America is to put tighter restrictions on liberal hate speech, which continues to encourage radical leftists to carry out these despicable shootings.
We believe Saturday’s attack was the direct result of a so-called “joke” told by failed comedian Jimmy Kimmel two days before the shooting, in which he claimed that First Lady Melania Trump had a “glow like an expectant widow.” It is obvious that Kimmel’s violent rhetoric is what motivated the gunman. There’s a huge difference between telling a joke, like when I said that there would be “shots fired” that night, and what Kimmel did. Anyone can see that Kimmel’s remark was a death threat, while mine was an innocent observation about the irreverent monologue the president was planning to deliver.
Since comedians can no longer be trusted to entertain audiences without inspiring deranged killers, the White House has issued the following list of approved jokes. Any comic deviating from this list will have their network’s FCC license revoked and will be subject to detention and questioning by FBI Director Kash Patel at his field office in the Bellagio Casino.
Jokes officially approved by the White House include:
* Why did the Democrat cross the road? To get away from the mugger in their crime-ridden sanctuary city!
* What do you call it when JD Vance corrects the pope’s misguided views on the Iran War? Getting Catholic schooled!
* What’s the difference between President Trump and a narcoleptic orangutan? One’s an orange ape that can’t stay awake, the other is President Trump! It’s funny because the president is totally lucid and normal-colored so he and the orangutan are complete opposites!
* Kash Patel, Pete Hegseth, and Jeannine Pirro walk into a bar. They order mocktails and have a productive conversation about better coordination between the military and law enforcement.
* Melania, you have a glow like a happily married woman who clearly loves being around her husband!
* I’m glad Robert Mueller is dead! (It’s okay to joke about someone’s death as long as they were a bad person and not a good person like Charlie Kirk.)
* “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “ICE.” “ICE who?” “We are not legally obligated to disclose our identities; put your hands behind your back and get into our unmarked vehicle!” Get it? Because we don’t like immigrants!
* You can’t spell “socialist” without A-O-C!
* There’s a new tongue-twister about James Comey. It goes: “He spelled sea shells now he’ll see a cell.” A jail cell... you know... ’cause he was indicted again?
