How do you deal with anger?

[Glassunion]

I've been struggling with an incident that occurred a few days ago, and it just isn't sitting right with me. Nothing really happened during the incident, but I cannot shake how it left me feeling.

I was on my motorcycle heading into town (towards my favorite coffee shop) in a built up area. It is a 4 lane road (2 lanes in each direction). Knowing that folks are constantly pulling out of all of the shops in the area, and some of the drive ways for the shops have limited visibility, I had moved into the left lane, and was in the left-hand side of that lane.

I saw a car that was heading in the other direction wanting to make a left turn, and as I usually do, assumed that they were going to cut me off to make the turn, so I slowed up. Once, I had passed the point of no return, this car then decided to make the turn. I pulled my breaks, ended up locking the rear tire up, while this car ever so slowly proceeded to try and kill me by blocking the entirety of my lane.

I eased the front break to allow the bike to straighten up, then I let go of the locked up back break (actually a bad idea under most circumstances), so I could let off the breaks to swerve into the mostly empty oncoming lane to get around them, then quickly back into my own lane. The entire ordeal took about 3 seconds. At that moment I was terrified, and angry at the same time. My hands and feet were shaking, and an absolute rage was building.

I flipped a u-turn in the next driveway, and went right back the way I had come. I was going to let loose on this person. I pulled into the same driveway that they had, and identified the car that had done it. I parked in the nearest available space, and took off my helmet, gloves, etc... and was getting off the bike to head over there to lay into them.

I don't know what it was, but I just stopped and stood there next to my bike. I was ok, with the exception of the violent shaking in my hands and legs. The thought that "I am ok" was going through my head over and over, and this calmed my rage. I decided not to push the issue, and that I should just take a moment, calm down and head on my way. So I sat back down on the bike.

My parking spot allowed me a view of the car that had cut me off. The driver was still inside the car. It was a lady who was taking pictures of me with her phone. I then had a thought that she must feel terrified that I was going to do something. I instantly felt like shit for making her feel that way. After a few moments, I put my gear back on and left, with her still sitting in her car.

I am not a confrontational person, and am not sure what it was in those few short seconds that would compel me to seek out a confrontation. Sure it was a near-death experience, but I've had plenty of those on the bike in the past and never sought out to confront someone. I may give someone the finger, or put my hand up in the "WTF was that?" gesture, but never have I done anything like that.

I guess my question is: How do you deal with anger or rage in the moment to cool yourself down?

[enough]

1. It's wonderful that you were able to pull yourself out of that (both the accident and the

confrontation. I just wish people like this could at least be TOLD (rationally and quietly) how much their thoughtless and/or oblivious driving behavior endangers other people. The problem is that when something like this happens, one is not in a very good state to explain something convincingly.

So glad you're OK, and better than OK, given your self-control in this hair-raising situation. You should be telling us how you did it, not the other way around.

[Glassunion]

8. I honestly don't know how I did it.

Avoiding the accident happened so fast (even though it felt like an eternity), my memory is spotty. I remember thinking that I had to get around the car, because even though I was breaking, I was headed right towards it. Since cornering and breaking at the same time is a bad idea (you have to divide your traction between breaking and cornering), I let off the locked up back break (another bad idea, as you're begging for a high-side accident), knowing I stood a pretty good chance at getting tossed, but I was out of options. The bike kicked me, but I didn't get tossed. I honestly don't remember the details of the swerve.

As for not yelling, I can't say what calmed me. Maybe that time it took to take my gear off was enough. At that point I felt sick, and had the overwhelming thought that whatever I was going to do was a bad idea. Not 100% on that, but I vividly remember that her apparent apprehension made me feel ill for making her feel that way. Weird, but that's how I felt.

[Major Nikon]

2. I simply ask myself if I would act the same way if I waited 5 minutes

If the answer is no, then I know I am not thinking rationally.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

3. Dude, you're a hero, the stuff of legends

You saved your own skin, saved a lady from a confrontation with scary looking biker and rode off into the sunset.
Is your bike named Silver?
Is your shootin' iron loaded with silver bullets?


In answer to your question, I'm not sure what I'd do but I can't think of anything that could improve on what you did.
I don't deal all that well with anger; maybe trying to visualize a cop's reaction to what I'd be thinking.

The fact that the lady was taking your picture means she must have realized what she did and been afraid of the confrontation. Hopefully she'll be more aware and an overall more connected driver.

a high-five to you

[Glassunion]

5. Lol!

Hardly a hero and there is no time ever that I look like a scary biker. I weigh in at 150 and stand a hair under 6 foot. I was not all leather'ed up. In fact just a pair of Converse, come jeans and my favorite Live Simply t-shirt.

The bike is named Angel (my nickname for my wife).

My shooting iron was at home in the safe, and just regular leaded bullets.

I just feel like shit for going back. I never went near her, but I think that she was frightened.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

6. So let me see

Reactions quick enough to save yourself and prevent damage to any property.
Not a scary biker but probably frightened the lady.

You and bike are fine to continue taking care of yourselves and your family.

You're an average guy that was a hero for those short minutes. No parade, no medal, award or key to the city but an everyday hero for doing something difficult, not making a stink about it and probably making it look easy.

Ask yourself what qualifies some of the well known heroes as heroic.
If the shoe fits...

I consider my wife a warrior. She doesn't own a gun or serve in the military. She has a lot difficulty just walking but she beat the shit out cancer.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!" - Rocky Balboa

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't. - Richard Bach

[Glassunion]

7. Thanks.

I appreciate your thoughts.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

9. Thanks for sharing the story

[lumberjack_jeff]

10. The lady deserved to be scared.

I ride, and like you, have come to the conclusion that everyone using their left turn signal is trying to kill me.

Given the choice, your family would prefer that you are scary and alive rather than invisible and dead.

I hope she feels equally "like shit" that she frightened you.

story time.
Many years ago I was stopped at a sign waiting for a break in freeway traffic (no onramp, just a stop sign for traffic entering a four lane highway). I looked in my rear-view because I wanted to see if it was prudent to wait for a friend approaching on the highway. All I could see in my mirror was rapidly approaching "YO". I dumped the clutch and released the brakes in an effort to get out of the way, but the toyota pickup hit and threw me onto the highway.

I picked myself up, verified that I was intact and wasn't in immediate peril of getting run over by the highway traffic, removed my helmet and turned to look at the car that hit me. The bumper was caved in, the grill was destroyed. the hood was v-notched and buckled about 8". A young woman got out of the truck, said "Oh shit, my mom is going to kill me."

I said "your mom is the least of your problems".

I'm a pretty benign guy, but in those days I spent quite a bit of time in the gym, I lifted a fair amount of weight, and I was wearing a tank-top and a nontrivial amount of road rash.

She looked at me for about 2 seconds, then silently returned to the truck and locked the doors.

The cop gave her a ticket for "failure to yield" which I considered a fairly light consequence of the dumbfuckery inherent in rear-ending a motorcycle at a stop sign.

I rode the bike home but the truck had to be towed. I hope she learned a lesson about sharing the road, as I learned a lesson about protective riding gear.
/story

I guess I didn't answer your question. I will say this; I think your anger served you appropriately, and that you exerted the right amount of control over it.

[kjones]

4. Anger and adrenaline are weird ones

They make it so that during the times where the most clarity, control,
and reasoning could be useful, you often have the least.

We're wired for fight or flight as much as any other critter, and it takes
effort to find a third alternative. It's a skill, not a reflex.
Which is one way to deal with it. If you take pride in your ability to
control yourself (and you deserve to), sometimes it makes it an
easier skill to practice and use.

And motorcycles. Whew. Besides the obvious things (which sometimes
don't seem obvious to drivers) of the extreme exposures of riding one is
the mental effect of riding one. One reason for riding one is excitement,
which is another way of saying adrenaline. Whenever I'm on one, I remember
my state of mind, I'm already excited and pumped full of adrenaline, so I'm
already halfway there to a fight or flight moment.
I've made more than enough double u-turns as you have, wheeling around for
a confrontation of some sort before considering my state and doing my best
to forget it.

It's scary on both ends too (having been both victim and perpetrator of such
mistakes). You can at least hope that the fear (as it did for me) motivates them
to consider what just happened. "I could have just killed someone."And now, I will never
back up negligently again.
Some people don't reflect, but I have to hope for the sake of humanity that they
represent a small percentage of the world.

Keep you zen face on!

[mythology]

11. I make it a point to walk away when I'm angry

Whether it's online where I will type something, walk away and read what I was going to write before sending it, or in real life where I walk away from situations that anger me.

It's not worth it to let my temper get the best of me. I had a friend who once attempted to tell me that meant I wasn't mature enough to handle being angry, but I replied that it was a sign of maturity that I don't let the worst side of me out, even if I later still think they deserve it.

I remember what my anger has cost me in the past and it's easy to walk away. I don't have anything to prove in terms of toughness or anything like that. It's not that I'm afraid of the fight (physical or verbal), but I don't want to be that guy any more, always angry and willing to pick a fight with the world. I've got better shit to do. Yeah, people can be stupid and irritating, but most of them learned to be that way. I'm probably not going to teach them to be otherwise by being an ass.

I think for me the real turning point was at martial arts where a guy told me that his wife didn't want to spar with me because she thought I was scary and might hurt her. I was at first really angry that she thought I might intentionally hurt her, but then I thought about it and while I do have the colloquial bitchy resting face which isn't in my control, I did often let my anger out, and when you're trying to kick each other, that can be dangerous, especially given that I've been described as a tank.

[davidpdx]

12. I know this is kind of an old thread, but I thought I'd respond

I have a similar problem.

First of all, I am glad you were able to make the maneuver and came out of it unscathed.

I empathize with you. I live in South Korea and people drive with such reckless behavior the worst of which is not using their turn signal.

I was involved in an incident in March where a woman was in a u-turn lane, but was suppose to yield to the on coming traffic. She failed to do that and cause the car in front of me and myself to slam on our brakes. I made the mistake of speeding up and getting in front of her and slamming on my breaks twice before returning to a regular speed. She sped up and got in front of me and slammed on her breaks causing me to rear end her. We both pulled over and the second mistake I made was getting out of the car and screaming at the top of my lungs (though I didn't get close to her car). She refused to get out at that point and I left (another mistake). Eventually I was pulled over by the police and she accused me of being drunk. I was even more pissed and started yelling with half a dozen South Korean police present that I wanted to take a breathalyzer immediately (which I passed), then I told her I was going to sue her for slander. We went to the police station to file a report.

I had to go to another police station (closer to where the accident actually occurred) and sit there and discuss the whole thing. The whole thing revolved around a negotiation to try to "solve" it without police involvement. Needless to say I was the one holding my tongue and this time she sat there ranting and raving and it worked against her. My insurance paid for some of the damage and both of us ended up getting fined about 40,000 KRW (about $50) and were given 10 points on our driving record.

Not a good experience.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

13. Consider Sarcasm because...

[davidpdx]

14. Sarcasm causes you a lot less grief

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

15. My daughter had this t-shirt, she's a department manager at a major retail store

Working with the public will do that to you.

[davidpdx]

16. Funny, I have one that says

I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

[jhrobbins]

17. Stop yourself

It has taken me a long time to be able to stop myself and let the anger pass. It's such a better way of handling anger.

[cleveramerican]

18. A story to share

When I was 25 or so I was sideswiped badly in my brand new truck.
I jumped out and ran over to the obviously stupid driver to scream at them.
I arrived at the other car to find a group of nuns returning to the convent,and quite shaken,
I instantly revert to the ten year old schoolboy,
" Are you all right sister, is there anything I can do for you?"
I still laugh thinking about how they deflated my anger with a glance