A question for any trans people or anyone who might know. I was just in an online meeting

[Maraya1969]

for one of the A's anonymous groups. Anyway the woman who was speaking was talking about her first marriage and she said, "Well, then he decided he was a woman" and blah blah and then they got divorced.

The meeting is still going on but it bugged me so I left and decided to come here and ask some people who might really know.

It sounds to me that it is at the least being ignorant and lacking compassion for the spouse who, to me must have been living with a horrible scary secret. Anyone that I have known that came out about being trans later in life has obviously been trying to hide and fit in and be something that they aren't.

Maybe she still has a resentment about this person and that is why she phrased it as such. But at this point in time, especially after learning about Caitlyn Jenner's life I don't think anyone with any knowledge can say, "Well he decided he was a woman" It just doesn't work that way.

[uriel1972]

1. as a dysphoric male still in hiding I can only go

by my experience. Growing up in a rural town in the 70's there was no awareness of dys/trans needs. Gods I didn't even have the words to describe what I was going through. Now I'm reliant on care that makes it impossible for me to come out.

The woman is probably bitter, but I can see where she wouldn't have seen it coming. The trans woman probably had a lifetime of hiding experience as well ad being confused themselves.

I can't blame the woman for her anger, she would feel betrayed. I also feel the pain of the trans woman, having to rip themselves out of the life they created can't be easy.

Messy all round.

[vercetti2021]

2. I worry about this all the time

Dysphoria is the worst and every day I deal with it. I honestly think its horrible to feel like you have to hide it and you don't know how your girlfriend or spouse going to handle it.

My opinion if you love the person for them then who you are if you are a man or a transgender woman it shouldn't matter. But for some the shock is too much and they can't handle it because they don't understand.

[uriel1972]

3. yeah being trapped in a body that isn't right

is a form of hell. It is behind most of my distress in life.

[vercetti2021]

4. I'm transitioning next year

I'm 30 I have a small gap left to change still. I gotta do it to be me. I'm highly feminine. Like everyone has seen it since I was a teen. I've been in extreme denial

[uriel1972]

5. good luck... I worked it out far too laye for that

I'm afraid. I hope you find more happiness in yourself in the future.

[Oneironaut]

7. Woohoo!!! Good luck!

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me too. I’ve been on HRT for 2 years. I’ve joined PFLAG meetings and was one of the youngest ones there, and I’m the same age as you!

[vercetti2021]

8. I have many questions

Trust me I have so many questions. Normally the reddit groups I follow don't answer a lot to pre trans therapy.

[Oneironaut]

6. I can empathize, since coming out can seem like it's out of nowhere (when it isn't).

I don’t really begrudge cisgender (non-trans) people who don’t understand. I imagine it’s kind of like how I don’t understand being born in a body that matches my gender. Coming out one day usually comes out of left field because a lot of us tried to play a part that wasn’t ours for years. We carry guilt, shame, and self-hatred for being who we are. We’re told to “just be normal,” so we desperately follow that advice.

Someone on Reddit had an interesting take. Imagine being born with a goofy clown mask that you are forced to wear 24/7. All people can see is the mask, and that’s what they know you as. Only you know that there is a real face underneath. The mask is itchy, hot, and gross, and eventually, you can’t take it anymore and have to take it off.

Nobody recognizes you. Some of them even want you to put the mask back on. However, you can’t - your face has felt freedom for the first time, and you never want to go back.

So, there probably is resentment, but she wants a husband that never existed. All that she saw and longs for was a goofy, uncomfortable mask.