All my electronics are smashed... Abuse issues

[FirstLight]

I dug out my old cell from my dresser but the SIM from my other phone won't fit. Can't log into my Google account anywhere because of the 2step verification. Can't call or text my kids, can't check email, I'm totally cut off.

My dear friend and roommate has been here for about a year and a half. She's always been abrasive and I guess I let her run over me in the beginning. I always thought it was more cuz she was from a harder life, etc...
We both have health issues, but hers are somewhat worse. Having her move to California was partly so she could get better care. In the past year, I have lost both parents and had some bad depression...dad only just this May.

It's been building, I know better. I had an abusive ex husband so I know that feeling of being belittled and bullied. Then a couple weeks ago, it escalated to her punching the wall, breaking her knuckle...and instead of going to the hospital she used it to guilt trip me...

Today was one of the days I just had enough and yelled back. I also went to my room to cool off or figure out what was next... She kicked my door in and as we argued she grabbed my laptop and broke it, and somehow also got my phone too...
Cops say it's a civil eviction case, the domestic violence place says that it's not a partner so tuff luck...

Spent the afternoon at a friend's house trying to get Google to help... By the time I had to leave, still no resolution of my account so I have to try again tomorrow

What sucks is that I know she's got nothing to fall back on and I don't want to put her on the street. I'm the kind of person who would buy her a freaking van just so she has a place to go.

I don't know what is going to happen in the morning
She was asleep when I got home. It's just stupid and I just want my house back...

Not really asking advice, just needed to vent and this is apparently the only place I can login....

[Hugh_Lebowski]

1. So sorry you're going thru this

[BigmanPigman]

2. You may want to take care of yourself and

make that a priority. It is not selfish, it is your survival. She apparently has too many issues and she is taking advantage of your kindness. I would have kicked her out before it got this bad. People do not change. Expect more of the same from her. Take care of YOU!!! I speak from experience.

[FirstLight]

3. Agreed, just difficult to hold such strong boundaries when

I am worried to send her into a spiral or homeless situation... It's bad out there.

But she's gotta know that, and hold herself to a better standard of behavior

[AnotherDreamWeaver]

4. many blessings your way, among them freedom from abuse. nt

[peacefreak2.0]

5. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I went through something similar. Please remember how she treats you reflects on her, not you. Her actions are causing this situation. Even though I am not religious, The Serenity Prayer got me through. I’m still dealing with the emotional wreckage after 3 years, but I try to only carry the responsibility of my actions in the situation, but not the guilt she wants me to carry.
Be kind to yourself. You are a lovely person. Don’t let her dim that beautiful First Light. ♥️

[Ampulae]

6. I hear you,

And thank you for sharing such a challenging time.
You are resilient, brave and very kind.

[vlyons]

7. Take care of yourself first

Evicting her is not you doing it to her; it's her receiving the consequences of her abuse. What's next? Does she come after you with a butcher knife? You don't need that kind of abuse. Clearly she cannot control herself. Take care of yourself first.

[cate94]

8. Send her packing

Your situation will not improve if you don’t. Check Catholic Charities. They take in the soon to be homeless and actually help with behavior issues. At any rate, get help. Abusers escalate!

[marble falls]

9. This is serious. As you said: violence only escalates without intervention. Make your preparation ..

... to evict her.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but your life may well be at stake. The help she needs is out of your hands.

[mopinko]

10. yeah, not sure where u r, but once u let them in, u have to give them 30 day notice.

again, this is il law, but i didnt need a lawyer. but check your state.
there r model notices out there.

i’ve had to get rid of a couple tenants and a couch surfer. in truth, that 30 days is just until you can file for eviction. then you have to wait for the sheriff to show.
but in my 3 cases, all left by that date.

[scipan]

15. This. Violent abuse typically escalates.

Also I would take pictures of the cell and laptop, and document everything. Just in case you need it.

Give her 30 days to find another place to live. But make the notice formal.

Take care of yourself.

[mopinko]

17. gotta be in writing.

[mopinko]

18. there's a certain amount of boiler plate that is probably needed but-

in no way does that limit the creativity of the notice.

i had some tenants that i gave a verbal notice. they had no lease. they paid in cash. but they knew i needed to give written notice anyway.
as it happened, i had 2 dead printers at the time. i spent a ridiculous number of whole days trying to get one or the other going. it dragged on for a couple of months.
broke down and bought a new one, and wrote a long notice about their behavior and why i was kicking them out, and why they best not find out what happens on day 31.
i printed it on 11x17 paper, in a huge font, and taped it to every door in the bldg.
they were finally out 3 wks later.

maybe writing up the would feel good. put it all in a 1st draft.

[samnsara]

11. youre a GOOD person..dont let her make you feel otherwise..and you need to take care..

..of yourself first. (((hugs)))

[BlackSkimmer]

12. Your local library can give you access to the internet so maybe that will help a bit?

You should be able to get back to your accounts in with just your password.

You said you had a friend helping out...surely you can call your kids from there?

IT's kind of you that you're trying to look out for her, but at this point, maybe you should take care of yourself first.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

13. Do NOT tolerate her behavior.

Get her gone as quickly as possible.

And unless you are in a formal landlord/tenant relationship I doubt she has any right to stay.

[BlackSkimmer]

14. Is this the same roommate you've written about in the past?

Sounds like she's nothing but trouble.

Get her out.

[CousinIT]

16. You need to evict her. Give her 30 days. And don't fall for guilt-shaming.

Honestly, she did this to herself (and unfortunately, you). Evict her. See if you can find a real estate attny to help protect you in this.

The best way you can help her is to refuse to enable it. She needs help, true. But she has to first admit she has a problem and get it - herself.

Change door locks, get cheap outdoor cameras to keep yourself safe if need be. But really, this is on her.

You're being abused. Financially, personally, emotionally. Please don't let it continue. She knows you are a kind-hearted person and her abuse will only escalate. You must protect yourself.

[FirstLight]

19. Thanks for listening and your thoughts... Things are in the works

I was stress sick all night, puking every other hour... Flop sweat, the works. Had to take a freaking Dramamine to stop enough to sleep.

Got the eviction notice done, she was already packing yesterday, we haven't spoken. I'm still feeling icky so I am trying to rest and stay cool in my room. She got a ride to the Dr apparently earlier, just heard the front door about half hour ago...

Google account is still locked, they want me to submit a fucking claim... I created a new email and reached out to the family and a couple friends to keep them looped in.

Meanwhile, let my tummy stop! 😫

[FirstLight]

20. Times like this, I miss my Mom

She'd hug me and say " don't waste your tears..." 😭

[BlackSkimmer]

21. And that's when you know she's still with you!

Last edited Fri Aug 11, 2023, 05:29 PM - Edit history (1)

Always.

[FirstLight]

22. Damn, got something in my eyes...

❤️ Believe me, she's still very near...but oh, I miss those hugs!!!!

[hunter]

23. My mom would enter my life in full berserker warrior mode as a destroyer of all...

... which is how I learned not to call her when I was in my darkest places.

Cherish those memories and don't waste your tears.