Part two, the morning after....

[FirstLight]

https://www.democraticunderground.com/115120188

So I had my stupipd dr appt this morning.

Apparently now that my wife took the anxiety meds she was supposed to be taking since surgery she's fine now and of course full of all the guilt and reframing everything like that was all it was.

I called the women's Center, made the beginning of an intake form on the phone...they want me to come in person this afternoon, but I wont go. All they can do is offer me the same lame services and hotlines. That doesnt change the shit going on in my head or my house.
She gave herself a great shiner, i only have one small bruise showing on my jaw.

One minute she beggin me to talk to her and when I tell her Im still pissed and dont think I can talk rationally and told her I called the DV place, she reminded me how "I" gave her a black eye...

You know, it really sucks when you love someone and they end up manipulating you. Now I'm gonna feel guil;ty for telling her to leave, ands I honestly cant do that while she's in a fucking neck brace a week from surgery...
So now she's "selling everything" so she can have enough money to leave. This is the kinda shit that makes me crazy and pissed.

I don't WANT to feel bad for her. I also dont like the excuse that it was just that one thing and it wont happen because "Im never gonna have surgery again or take those meds..."

I literally feel like I have NOBODY to help me figure out what to do. She's cut me off from my adult kids, my parents are dead, and my two best friends live half a state away....and here's the kicker. I dont wanna tell my best friends because I feel like they are going to say "howo could you let that happen to you again...?" (my ex husband was a peice of work, ironically, his abuse was not physical like this)

The dr gave me therapists numbers and said maybe couples would help.
Called HER best friend in Chicago and she told me to pray on it and that we needed to sit down and rationally talk....told my wife that *I* wanted to talk so when I got home from the Dr she wanted to talk and I'm still pissed and cant get over it.

I'm venting here because I have nobody else to call.

[XanaDUer2]

1. Vent away

I wish my verbal abuser would offer to leave.

Sorry this happened. Did she try to strangle you?

ETA: ironically, the two abusive ppl in my life ("partner" and half sister whom I've gone NC with since she went too far) mock me for crying. It may be some abusive manipulation technique. I'm still with "partner" bc he pays the bills.

[FirstLight]

2. yeah, read the other thread...

they told her not to take the valium with the oxy's, i had no idea that was her ONLY anxiety med. She's on several mental health meds, and autistic, but not like that's an excuse...

I am just trying to figure out my fucking life today. I am in pain, if she re-injured my fucking shoulder I had surgery on in April im gonna be pissed...hopefully it will stop hurting
she attacked me twice, first time bent me backwards over the chest freezer and onto the floor smashing the METAL kitchen can under us... second time was over the side of my dad's recliner so the arm of it hit me in the back nof the neck and shoulder.

what chaps my hide is that she refuses to understand that she had me BESIDE myself calling/messaging the dr office because she was in such bad shape, not able to sleep, shaking because the pain had HER anxiety off the charts.
When the dr office says...go to the ER, she's NOT gonna go because there's nothing they can do...she's about 2x my size so yeah...she can throw me off the deck if she wants to.

I never really felt afraid of her, we've had verbal arguments, and yeah, i often defer to her to avoid more confrontation and she gets downright MEAN when she goes off

This one is like the one that broke my back tho... I hate to see her life get ruined because I was her stability but if I let this blow over I could end up dead next...

[XanaDUer2]

5. I put up with my "partner"

Bc Id be homeless. But if he laid hands on me , one of us is leaving. As it is now, I will pushback on his egregious verbal bullshit, including now telling him to leave if I bother him so much.

HIM: BLAH BLAH I WALK ON EGGSHELLS ( I walk on them)

ME NOW: THEN YOU SHOULD LEAVE. do yourself a favor and improve your life.

[FirstLight]

6. yeah, my own guilt is why she's still here...

Abuse ONLY escalates... first time was abt a year ago and she destroyed my electronics...computer and phone...i couldnt acess any of my accounts for days..
second time was verbal in public a month ago...and it was pretty much a whole trip that was blown cuz of her attitude
(supposed to be out honeymoon, lol)

Last night was #3... what's that they say about third time, you're out?

I know she feels bad and has nowhere to go but how do I justify letting this slide when I am still in pain and pissed?


oh...but she is not eating cuz now she doesnt wanna bother me to help her or make me upset.
Now she's doing *this whatever thing* because I am the problem and the one who's mad ...

love that twisted flip they all do

[XanaDUer2]

7. If she wants to leave then let her

she was sneaky punching herself in the face like that.

[TommyT139]

3. Perhaps helpful info

Please pardon the unsolicited info, but many people aren't aware of this. In your last post you mentioned not knowing the medications your wife is on. As a spouse, you should be able to get a list of these from her PCP, unless she has specifically named you as not getting that info. (You are also probably listed as her emergency contact, but maybe that's worth double checking.) It's totally reasonable to have a list of her meds, as that would be a basic question asked by medical providers in case of an emergency.

Here is an FAQ page:
https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/faq/2069/under-hipaa-when-can-a-family-member/index.html

I do hope you call your friends -- anyone who's learned about abusive relationships should know that "how could you let that happen again" questioning is the opposite of helpful. But either way, try to show yourself kindness, and know you have the best wishes of folks here at DU.

[FirstLight]

4. I have access to her chart/meds online, I just dont know half of what they do

...and IDK why but she figured I couldnt keep track of that part of her aftercare so she was handling her own meds, she even pre-did all the daily boxes for three weeks out...

It's just infuriating that when I was beggin for help from the dr office yesterday SOMEONE could have fucking called instead of just texting back, "go to the ER"
I dialed her threapist during the argument so she could hear the screaming...and she texted me this morning that she wasnt a crisis counselor and gave me another number to call... NO FUCKING HELP

But it's really neither here nor there.

I am going to "go against her wishes" and recontact my kids. I was not supposed to talk to them since April, and every time I got sad about it she threatened to leave.
She told me they would suck me dry and take all my money...and that they dont love me and treat me like shit etcetc
(...and in the midst of all her groveling, she said "go ahead and call you kids and see how fast they fuck you over ..&quot

I'm done. mI love her and now it's really just pity, that I am going to let he figure out her life on her own cuz I'm no longer going to be her stability. She was in a bad roommate situation before I flew her out here, so now I guess she's got nothing, except the car I bought her.

[XanaDUer2]

8. My "partner" is on tons of meds. Don't feel bad

I barely know one or two bc I don't care. I mean bluntly. IDC. I was only knowing about the opioids he was grinding snorting and overusing bc it was upsetting me. He's on some pain patch now. No clue. I've been asked if its fentanyl. Shrug. It could be camel piss FAIK . i got my own health problems and meds to keep track of.

So many things not my problem I'm not even clogging up my brain learning.

[FirstLight]

9. I didn't realize how much pain I'm in my sternum hurts

I wonder if I've got a concussion cuz my head hurts too. Doesn't matter right now I shut my bedroom door I saged the house. Cats are on my bed cuz they're both mad at her LOL. I'm going to try and take a nap and see if any answers come in my dreams that's all I can hope for right now. I've got to figure out what to do over the next few months, weeks, days...

[WDLAL]

10. I'm sorry you are going through this painful situation.

It sounds like you are doing what is best for you. Don’t feel guilty for that. We can’t be responsible for the actions of other adults. She has created this situation. You’ve gone to great lengths to help her and you’ve been hurt in the process.

I would try to be very impassive in dealing with her. Try not to let her use your emotions to manipulate you. You aren’t responsible for housing your abuser, even though she just had surgery. Her lack of concern for you and herself is troubling.

I hope your pain is just soreness and not more serious.

[FirstLight]

11. Posted again... Made a video of my face

Somehow I was picking a fight again because I was pissed and just letting her know that im using her ice packs for my injuries...
So of course she comes out to get another ice pack out and put it away for me and trying to be nice and I'm pissed so I don't hide it and then she says oh you want me to hurt as much as you so she bashes her head against the wall and she takes a cookie jar and breaks it on her head when I told her to stop it and stop being irrational blah blah next thing I know I'm on the floor again this time with the piece of ceramic up against my face

But you know she was going to bed and I started it. So now she's in bed and I'm going to sleep with one eye open if I sleep at all

[2naSalit]

12. You need to not be...

In the same house! She needs to go to the shelter or get a room. Allowing her to continue to terrorize you is not healthy for you and what if she gets violent again? Even on her proper meds is not enough to keep her from having animosity toward you, not a safe setting, my dear.