I have something called 'Adjustment Anxiety Disorder'
To oversimplify that... I hate for things to change.
One of the worst triggers for this is the prospect/process of moving. Relocation. Now, I don't want to go into too much detail about the situation here, but my husband and I have been given notice that we have until Sept. of this coming year (Eleven months.) This is a generous arrangement since it would allow plenty of time for any normal couple to work out finances and find a place. But, we are not a normal couple. Firstly, my husband is married to an albatross. Secondly, we only have one income. It is not enough to survive here. We had an arrangement with the owner of this place. We are both older and I am all but useless from a physical standpoint. (Not when we moved here. Almost all of this has happened since.) We cannot afford to pay anyone to help us. We know no one here. I am really tired of living under a black cloud all of the time. I am tired of making him live under one. We have a small SUV. That's all of the shelter we own. We are looking at options and there actually are a few. Knowing my luck, they will all fall through,. but time will tell.
The point of all this is that today I took down the Halloween stuff here. It did not take too long and it was not too demanding on my screwed up body, all things considered. I then did a basic fall look on the dinging room table and that was it. This evening, I walked into the living room to close the curtains since it was now dark. As I did this, I realized that I did not have to activate any decorations. Then it hit me. This was the last time I will ever decorate this house for this holiday. And, when I take down the Christmas stuff in two months, I will actually never decorate this house again. Ever. All the work over the years to make this place nice... It seems point less now, as I won't be here after we relocate. I actually started to weep. And, I feel very empty right now. More than usual.
No one is here again. My hubby is at work, and the owner is out with his fiance`. I am usually alone. I don't even know where to go to try and find other people, as this has never been an issue before. I do know that, ironically, I am not inclined to hang out with folks around my age. They all seem to act like my grandparents used to act. Younger people do not want to hang out with me, which I understand. Who would want to hang out with a decrepit old fart? They certainly won't believe that I used to be in rock bands as well as acting, directing, writing, etc. I don't believe it anymore. And, I was there. Mostly.
All of my fire for this Tuesday is to steer this nation towards the future. That future does not include myself. It is all but a miracle that I made it this far. Everything I have ever done meant nothing. I have to face that fact. What a waste. Hindsight is the only way we can know whether or not our lives had any meaning to anyone. Most of us will never know. Some of us would really like to, though. To know that we did something worthwhile. Especially when all of the current evidence says no.
Time to take handfuls of medication so that I can survive even longer. Oh fucking joy. The fact that I can seldom make it past ten p.m. anymore is bad enough since that used to be when we our second set started. Or the first, if we had an opener.
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