Trauma and motivation

[I_UndergroundPanther]

I have been feeling like my motivation is gone, but I have learned something I wanna share here.

I read something online about the lack of motivation thing. About the process of healing from trauma. That got me thinking.

Apparently when you are in survival mode you power through tasks because it’s part of hypervilagence.I have been guilty of this for years driving myself like a whipping mule. I got shit done because I had to or else was what I thought and felt.
The or else was the dread of punishment that I faced as a kid if I didn’t do it and now..

So ironically I have dissociative disorder and ptsd. Never considered it would mess with my perception of my motivation.

When traumatized people start healing thier motivation feels like it goes pouf. So when they start to get back normal motivation it feels like no motivation because they have never had normal levels of motivation.

I looked at my motivation situation counting from 5 days ago.

Day 1 I took everything off my shelves and it’s a lot of stuff, and put it in a place that wouldn’t be in the way.
Day 2 I did nothing but the usual chores.
Day 3 I put some of my stuff back on the other shelves where they were before.

This is when I discovered the problem with my big shelf falling apart. And it pissed me off.

And today I put my big Egyptian gods statues I painted on top of the glass cabinet as the top is metal.

I looked at the construction of my sturdy shelves and figured out what I need are backside bracers of wood.

4 or 5 plywood boards 30 inches wide by 1 or 2 feet tall to hammer into the backside of the shelf. Spray paint them white, on the frontside and screw them in. This is even more easy to do than brackets or the drill holes.

Or I could get one huge plywood sheet have it cut at Lowe’s and paint it white with spray paint and nail it in.

Even though I don’t have a car I have a rolling pallet cart that I can use to get the boards home.

Also today I washed dishes, made my bed, cooked meals and washed and folded and put up some clothes. And cleaned off the big Egyptian gods so they wouldn’t get put up with crap on them.
Dispite my back hurting( got to get the shots again).

This whole shelf arranging thing was because for my birthday I got a glass cabinet ( it even locks) to display and protect the 110 little Egyptian gods I have painted that took over a year to do. It will also hold a lot of my other collectables too. It’s pretty big.

All I gotta get are some risers and quake putty next month then they’ll look great and be in a safe place.

So looking back I’m doing ok I am getting stuff done, just not doing it all yesterday that’s all.

[FirstLight]

1. Oh yeah, I feel you...

After the abusive ex is gone, I realized I dont have to do my "chores" to keep them happy ... but keeping the kitchen clean wasn't hard.

3 weeks of therapy post the event, and I have hit the wall.
seems like about the only thng I can do is keep dishes running thru the dishwasher, remember to scoop the catbox, and that's about it.
My room took the brunt of her rearranging the house to fit her crap, so now I have to re-do everything, put book back on the shelves etc..
Thought it would happen over the weekend, nope.

I managed a load of laundry and it's piled on the foot of the bed.
I went and got good food that *I* like from the store instead of her bullshit... but ordered doordash for dinner last night because I have no motivation to cook.

So yeah...I had the same feeling like if I wasn't "doing" something I'd get in trouble... Therapy has me digging into the parental part of that puzzle as well.
It's nnot an easy hole to dig out of.
I guess the only thing we can do is just take small steps, and not expect to have it ALLLL done in ONE day

hugs to you