Should have expected the 'crash' today... but still...

[FirstLight]

Did the Farmer's Market for the first AND LAST time yesterday. Nearly broke my damn body to hell moving and schlepping it all... NO Bueno for my L4/L5 issues and the rest of my arthritic body.

Sat there for 6 hours and NOBODY bought a damn thing, no body even took a business card.
Got told to stop drumming cus it was disturbing other vendors (i was drumming quietly to bring people in and maybe do some sound therapy...I was offering 10 mintue mini-sound baths. I had ONE lady who I did a great job with and she was amazed that she could move her knee when we were done, she even cried. so that was awesome...but the rest of it was stupid. The people were NOT there to buy stuff, just there to walk around and talk shit. One mother said that my painted rocks were no better than what they could do at home...RUDE

So today I am broke, sore, and pretty depressed to be honest. I'm literally scraping by ... down to my last 50 bucks for groceries and gas. Supposed to be selling the car for the divorce and splitting it with the ex... but I can't do THAT till my drivers license comes in the mail (lost my wallet two weeks ago...ugh).
Got an email today from my lawyer that my ex is getting pushy about it, and I am not replying to them until monday.

On top of all of it, my youngest and hiis GF/baby got an eviction notoce on the apartment I rented for them in February... cuz he can't hold a fuckinig JOB. I spent the last of my savings on helping them, they are just not making good choices... and I can't let them move back in with me cuz I have fought too hard for my PEACE and I cannot deal with their bullshit. My son has not responded to me since I said that... but has he shown up for me since he came back to the area? He flaked on helping me with the Market, flaked on helping me with the yard etc...
I'm DONE giving to people who don't give a crap about me! family too.

Sorry I just needed to rant and unload. I'm crying now.

It is so frustrating to be doing everything 'right' and staying positive and making the effort and everything and still hitting the fucking WALL.

[Bluebelle76]

1. Sending Hugs

You've got an emotional thunderstorm to deal with. (When it rains, it pours.) Hoping for blue skies soon.

[Marie Marie]

2. So very sorry that you are having rough times. Wishing you better days...

[usonian]

3. There's a DU Marketplace.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1120

Hope it helps in some way.

[FirstLight]

4. Maybe I'll feel better after dinner...

It's also really frustrating when friends don't text back, or reach out to see how things went yesterday, or how I'm doing today, I'm sick and tired of people not showing up for me I don't know how to fix that.. it's not like you can come up with new friends or family out of the blue at 55. I like my solitude but that doesn't mean that my friends don't have to check in on me from time to time...😒

[crosinski]

5. I know it's frustrating when friends and family let you down.

Your sound work seems really interesting. It’s too bad people weren’t in the right frame of mind to be more open to it at the farmer’s market.

[OldBaldy1701E]

6. It is beyond frustrating.

Because it proves that we have no control over anything.

And, that is be design. We need to stop being blind to this. They don't want us to succeed because they would have to share.

That is something they would rather die than do.

Or, kill to avoid. Watch a few real life crime shows if you want to see this in action. There are far too many episodes about this very topic.

Far too many.

[FirstLight]

7. Yeah I don't need to watch crime shows, I lived it

My ex trying to kill me really put a lot in perspective. I tried to leave defensive wounds so that when I disappeared people would know.. she was ready to bury me in the forest and let the bears eat me

[FirstLight]

8. UPDATE: and tomorrow is always another day to choose differently...

so today I continued my self care... and took care of some lingering "stuff" from my divorce. Packed up more of her stuff, cleaned the car for sale, colored my hair, and took a nap...

I continued to monitor my inner and outer dialog and thought of the JOY I will have whyen the last of the divorce stuff is handled, the joy of driving my new car that isn't hers, and gave myself kudos for shifting the energy of the WHOLE HOUSE so well!

I woke up from my nap to a message from the lady I worked on at the market...she's coming over tomorrow for a full session!
And my home office/studio is actuall looking awesome, I might just go ahead and start offering sessions here, instead of waiting for a space to rent...

onward and upward... "just keep swimming"