To my husband.

[OldBaldy1701E]

I am sorry.

I am sorry that you married a failure. I am sorry that you are having to live with someone with whom you are embarrassed to be seen in public. I don't blame you. I am nobody and nothing. I took my shot and I failed. I took another shot and I failed. One cannot deny the reality of the evidence in front of you. I am a complete failure in every sense of the word.

Now, I am getting more and more crippled. Now, I need you more and more. That is not fair and I know it. I did not know that I had messed up and packed everything except the Crocs on my feet and had to do the entire two day move with them. I did not know that I had gotten a blister on my foot and it had gotten infected. I did not know now that I would be sitting here with one foot twice the size of the other and unable to do the basics needed to survive in an apartment. I did not know that I would be falling apart so quickly. I did not know that my health, which used to be one of my best attributes, would just throw in the towel so quickly after I passed 50 years of age. I did not know that our healthcare industry would turn predatory and be so unapologetic about it, either.

We are sinking fast. I am to blame. I have not had a job of any kind in going on eleven years now. Between my physical and mental health, I cannot even consider it. I am so sorry that you are having to do this all alone. I wish I did have magic powers, because then you and I and the world would not be in the position it is in now.

I am a failure. I am sorry.

[Ocelot II]

1. *Nobody* is a failure, except maybe for Trump.

I'll bet your husband doesn't think you're a failure, and neither do we. Stuff happens to people, all of us, and it doesn't mean we are failures. Health problems certainly aren't failures; that would mean all old people are failures. I'm old and my knees are failing a bit, but I'm not a failure because I'm a lot more than my knees. I have value and so do you. And your husband knows it.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. But, when stuff happens disproportionately...

And, then the health problems come in on top of that... well...

No, all old people are not failures. That was not my intent. What I am saying is that, in my case, this is just more failure on top of other failures.

Since you mentioned this topic, I feel it begs this question. If I have value, then why am I poor to the point of being one payment away from being homeless and destitute? Why am I suffering from various ailments that might be addressable were it not for the complete highway robbery that is modern medicine? Why can't I even go see a doctor because I cannot afford the ridiculous co-pays that my supposed insurance places on poor people like me?

I have to say, it doesn't seem like anyone else thinks that I have value enough to do anything to help me. Which, I understand. I failed in life. I cannot generate enough income to get a sandwich. We live in a capitalistic hellscape. There is no way someone in my position can continue to exist in such a society. Why am I bothering to keep trying when it all leads to suffering and more failures? Who knows what my curserd existence will do to my husband if I keep on existing? It has already affected our lives in so many ways. We would be in a much better position if my jinxed life did not keep on screwing everything up.

I had my chance. It failed.

[Ocelot II]

18. If there is a failure it's that of our society, not you,

or all the other millions of people who are poor or ill. We have a society that rewards wealth and luck, and that blames individuals for troubles not of their creation. You have not failed, you have been failed, but you've internalized that failure; you've been made to think it's all your fault. It isn't. Conservatives in particular love to blame victims, to the point where as a culture we assume that if someone is struggling they must have done something wrong. This absolves the rest of society of any responsibility for looking after the poor, the sick, all that Christian stuff that so many people who call themselves Christians don't seem to actually believe. I wish I knew how to help you see that you're not a failure.

[OldBaldy1701E]

22. I will not disagree with you on any of that.

But if I say any of it, I just get rolled eyes and dismissal. In their eyes, it is entirely and 1000% my own fault. Period.

[Ocelot II]

23. Whoever "they" are, screw 'em. Only bad, stupid people blame victims.

[OldBaldy1701E]

24. Then, there are WAY more bad, stupid people in the world than one might think.

And, they often occupy positions that allow them to continue to be bad, stupid people... usually with impunity.

[WhiteTara]

2. Dear Heart

Stop! Didn't he sign up for in sickness and in health? Allow him to rise to the occasion. If the situation was reversed, you would care for him. Allow him to care for you.

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. We did not make such vows, but we pretty much said it in our exchanges.

He does try to help me. He doesn't know what to do, though.

[WhiteTara]

16. Sounds like a conversation is in order.

He can't know without talking. Good luck.

[Nanuke]

3. You are valued.

Don’t think you are not. You are worth the love and patience from your husband. You chose each other and deserve all the joy and comfort you give each other every day. Hang in there. We care about you.

[OldBaldy1701E]

12. I doubt I am giving him any joy or comfort.

I just sit here and wish I were dead. I want to get out of this loop, but since there is all but no help for poor people with mental issues (other than 'showpiece' programs that toss meds left and right with abandon, but don't actually 'help' you with anything. 'Just keep them working' is their mantra), I don't know what to do.

I do know I cannot keep on going like this. I tried to at least clean the bathroom yesterday. I managed to (sort of) clean the shower, and by then I was done.

If this is all I can manage from now on, we are in even bigger trouble than we already are. And, we are dangling by a threat as it is.

[purple_haze]

28. you are giving him

the two things every man needs: purpose and companionship. taking care of my partner has been the honor of my life. she will never know how much i need, value, and love her.

[LoisB]

4. You are NOT a failure. You are a beautiful, loving, unselfish person. It is not your responsibilty

to right the world. Everyone has setbacks, you just learn from them and continue to be you. "In sickness and in health"...does not just apply to the woman.

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. Well, we are a gay couple.

And, as stated before, we never said such vows.

I was a performer. It was not my 'job'. It was not my 'passion'. It was my life. And, it was a failure. All I did in the past seems to mean nothing to anyone. All I did to try and enlighten as well as entertain never did anything nor did it help anyone. And, now I can't even do it anymore. I cannot play my instruments anymore, except for a very short period. (I used to be able to get onstage with my acoustic and play for hours. I have played for four hours, by myself, with no prep time, in front of 2000 people. Now? I can barely make it through one song without either aggravating my arthritis, or having my throat just close. My balance is gone. Sometimes, I just reel about for no reason (well, the reason is my neuropathy, but you know what I mean). That won't get me hired on stage anywhere.

I am done. I lost it all. It is more than a 'setback'. I was never meant to succeed in anything anyway. After multiple tries in two different career paths, the reality of the situation is completely obvious.

[Ocelot II]

19. As a performer, you brought pleasure and enjoyment to your audiences.

That is not failure. The music business is like professional sports; only a very few become "successful" in the sense of achieving fame and fortune, and a lot of that success comes from luck and connections as well as talent - many very talented people don't become successful in that way. I know a lot of first-rate musicians, most of whom will never become famous or earn much money, but they perform anyhow and their performances are enjoyed and appreciated. If you can't perform any more that's sad but not unusual - I've known pianists who couldn't play any more because of injuries, singers whose voices wore out, and it's really tough on them - but knowing that when you did perform you brought enjoyment has to be worth something. You didn't fail because you brought people music, one of the most valuable gifts in the universe.

[LoisB]

20. Gay couple, straight couple - no difference to me. A couple is a couple. I hope something

that someone says to you here will help you realize how valuable you are as a person.

[OldBaldy1701E]

25. I figured that, but when you said "..it doesn't apply just to the woman.", I felt I should respond. (n/t)

[LoisB]

30. I apologize. I should have said "does not apply to only one spouse". I really just want you to

feel better. You are an important person.

[1WorldHope]

5. First, I hope that your husband didn't give you the impression that he felt that way about you.

You sound like you are at a level of depression that could cause you further pain and suffering. Please call some hotline that can give you information on how to get some help, mental, financial and medical.
I feel terrible knowing you feel this way. 🙏🏼💙💙💙

[OldBaldy1701E]

14. He did not.

But, I can see the fatigue in his face. He is the only one with work these days. His body is also starting to age. What he used to do with ease is now getting harder.

I cannot even sell my guitars because I am the worst salesperson and I am having a tough time dealing with the idea of parting with them. That would truly mean my dream is all over. But, it is all over, and I need to stop trying to justify keeping them when we are so close to complete ruin.

But, it is so very hard to just admit such a level of defeat, regardless of the reality of the situation.

[murielm99]

6. Oh, no.

Please don't do this to yourself. You are a valuable and worthwhile person.

[OldBaldy1701E]

17. Thanks. The people here seem to be the only ones who think so. (n/t)

[Duppers]

7. I don't think your husband is a nice person for making you feel like this.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. He is not to blame for any of this.

I would not be here today if not for him. I feel this way because it is the truth. I have done nothing but deteriorate since moving up here. I have tried to help him. I watch his hair turning more grey and I know I am partly to blame for it.

Despite his flaws, I feel that he is a saint for wanting to marry me. In fairness, I did warn him when he proposed that he was making a HUGE mistake.

This is on me. I was a failure from the get-go, and I just did not want to see it. I have failed at everything I have tried in 60+ years. Everything I haver ever touched has turned to ash.

I am just tried of losing... over and over and over.

[crosinski]

8. I'm sorry life has treated you like it has.

You may or may not be interested, but I looked up these resources for you. They are free online depression support groups. I believe one of them is Zoom based.

https://heypeers.com/support_groups/depression?page=4

https://www.livewell-foundation.org/supportgroups

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/online-depression-support-groups#7cups

[OldBaldy1701E]

15. Thank you. (n/t)

[mdmc]

21. Oh man

My own wife could have written this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I have treated her and my lack of compassion. We are all facing terrible battles which no one else knows about. Its hard.

Joy Cometh In The Morn OldBaldy1701E. Thanks for helping me to see what my wife has been going through.

[Tadpole Raisin]

26. I don't know how old you are or where you are but

If you are at or near being on Medicare look into the Medicare Savings Program. It will pay your Medicare B if your income is low. Assets are another thing (although some states have done away with the asset test) so it may be a moot point. Also SNAP.

Food pantries, free nationwide internet (I couldn’t find the website but someone will have it.

If you have a SHINE counselor, ombudsman, senior center or any state advocate that could help.

It is toughest when you are in no man’s land - usually in your 50s when age restrictions apply. Still it’s worth calling someone in your state to see what is available. Legislation may have passed that now makes you eligible for help. Every little bit counts.

[OldBaldy1701E]

27. Thank you for your suggestions.

I am 61. I am disabled. The Social Security Administration did their tests and agree that I am disabled.

BUT

We make $300 or so over the minimum. So, we get a big ole FU from Uncle Sam. (Those programs won't be around much longer anyway.)

We did SNAP until we were removed some years ago. They are still saying that we have used up our time for receiving it. It seems there is a three year limit on the program. At least it was for us. So, no SNAP, I guess. (This will also be gone before too long.)

I have tried to speak to a few of these 'senior advocate' agencies as well as other agencies who mention help for seniors. They never seem to offer the help I need to navigate the insane bureaucracy of trying to get governmental aid. They offer plenty of services, but they are for people who need someone to help with care. I am not there. Yet.

There are no assets to worry about. I own nothing that has any value to this society. If one were to liquidate my entire estate, one might end up with $400. My 'assets' are my work and my song catalog. No one wants anything to do with any of it. So, I have no value. At all. My only value to this society is as a warm body to put in some position that will make someone else richer while I hasten my demise from working more than my body will allow. My experience, my knowledge, my abilities... no one cares because they are not considered 'profitable' unless they are turned to being used, firstly, for profit. I don't care about any of that. AT all. Which is why I am shunned by our society because I am not 'hungry' enough for their taste.

The desire to allow people like me to die slowly from things that might have been 'fixable' even as others wallow in decadence and greed while making sure that bureaucracy keeps people like me away from any help, yet punishing anyone who tries to remove themselves from such a failed situation, is one that I cannot understand at all.

But, it is there. I experience it every single day.

[Tadpole Raisin]

29. Once to are over 60 for snap the numbers may change.

I know about the 3 yr limit (under 60). You may be close to eligibility again!! The rules for over 60 are different.

Here is a snap calculator. The new fiscal year begins in October but I don’t know how long it will take the calculator to update. Play around with the numbers (e.g., under vs over 60).

It is based on FPL which last year was 15060 and this year is 15650. Some states follow 130% of FPL. Some others limit it to 200% FPL. The FPL is announced in January and I think the snap uses that number (or the 130 to 200% number starting in October. Choose your state.

https://www.snapscreener.com/

[applegrove]

31. There is only life. And it can throw awful stuff at you.

You are just unlucky. Lots of people are married to someone who never thinks of their partner. That is not you. Lots of people are sick and taken care of by their partner. That is you. You are one of millions. Do not be so hard on yourself because life is already hard on you..... and that is enough.