My mother has decided that she is dying.

[murielm99]

She called both my brothers today and told them about it. She called my middle brother multiple times to let him know about her impending death. She has left an envelope with two keys in it on her table, and a piece of paper with some sort of information. She asked my middle brother if she could give his phone number to her good friend.

She called him again, and told him she was taking her purple dress to the funeral home where she has a prepaid plan. They have to be sure to bury her in the correct outfit.

I think I know why she is doing this. My branch of the family has just experienced a very real tragedy, with the sudden death of my son-in-law. We are all still in shock and grieving very deeply. My daughter is handling things with a great deal of strength and dignity.

My mother cannot stand to have the attention on someone else, so she is doing this.

You will notice that she has not called me with any of this BS. I stopped putting up with her drama a long time ago. She knows I will tell her exactly what I think about her attention seeking behavior.

[No Vested Interest]

1. I do not know what to make of this.

Has your mother given your brothers reasons for her conclusion that her life is ending?
What do your brothers make of this announcement of her impending death?

Older people sometimes do strange things that seem unreasonable to others but that make perfect sense to themselves.

I'm conscious of the recent sudden death of your son-in-law, and am especially pleased to know that your daughter is doing well, despite a vicious attack from outside her family.

[murielm99]

2. My mother has learned that she has chronic bronchitis.

She is 86, and quit smoking when she was 49. She is taking Spiriva. My brother thinks she read the warning information that came with the drug, and it started her worrying.

If she really wants to help herself breathe better, she can lose weight. She is under five feet tall, and weighs more than two hundred pounds. If she walked with someone, saw a nutritionist or a doctor, and had a plan to lose weight, it would give her a positive goal. And it really is necessary! I am going to get one of my brothers to suggest that to her. If she hears it from me, she will not listen.

My brother middle brother thinks she is seeking attention, which is what I think, too. My younger brother has no comment, which is normal for him. He involves himself as little as possible. My husband thinks she will live for another ten years. I agree with him.

You have to know my mother. My middle brother and I have both been through therapy, partly because of her abuse. She has not been diagnosed, but we both believe she has narcissistic personality disorder.

[No Vested Interest]

3. Your mother may very well be seeking attention -

Certainly you and your brothers know her better than anyone.

It is extremely difficult for people of that age to have the energy and motivation to change their ways, such as to lose weight.
Metabolism has slowed so much by the time one reaches mid-80's, weight loss is very difficult.

She may well have a personality disorder, but, as you no doubt know, that is not going to change either.
Perhaps best to just let her be, at her age, even though these circumstances are not easy to see going on and to deal with.

[murielm99]

4. Thank you for your replies and your support.

My brother called me today because he wanted me to talk him down. He was starting to get angry and frustrated by her multiple phone calls. I was able to help him, but I guess some of the anger has stayed with me.

I just needed to vent.

We know that there is little we can do about our mother. We have learned that we can't change her, but we can change the way we react to her.

I have almost no contact with her. I set boundaries, and her response was very nasty, so I broke off contact with her. I did tell her about Tom's death. She needed to hear that from me.

[auntAgonist]

5. MurielM99 What is there to say. Your Mother's narcissistic personality is abusive and hurtful

but you know that.

I'm glad that you are comfortable enough to share and vent here. I only wish that there was something, anything I could do to remedy or help your situation.

Your boundaries are well placed and need to be reinforced.

It's good that you and your brother can get together in conversation and thereby help each other to deal with the situation.

I'm so sorry she's doing this on the heels of Tom's passing. How cruel

You've got enough to deal with without listening to her. Hey, she's got it all under control. Between her and the funeral director she's got a plan in place and thankfully you don't have to deal with that.

Let her live in her misery and don't allow it to spill onto you.

I'd love to give you a HUGE hug IRL but the internet type will have to do. Know that I care Muriel and please vent away.
It does us good to have a 'safe' place to rant and cry and scream.

Much love to you ... I hope you have caller identity on your phone and you can ignore her annoying rings.



kesha

[murielm99]

6. I spoke to one of my girls today about

her grandmother's impending death. She knew right away that it was an attention-seeking ploy.

We had a good laugh about the goddam purple dress. We don't actually know if she marched into the funeral home and gave them the dress.

On a more serious note, my daughter was annoyed that my brother is being pestered so much. My mother knows that one of these days we will be getting THE call, the one that tells us she is seriously ill or dead. She uses that, so that my brother is afraid NOT to pick up the phone. I still say he has to set boundaries, and tell her, for starters, that he will only talk to her once a day, unless it is a serious emergency.

I suppose when we do see her lying in her coffin in the goddam purple dress, we will have all we can do not to howl with laughter. That is terrible, but the dress thing is funny.

[No Vested Interest]

7. You're definitely correct re setting boundaries.

We all need some of that, in different measure with different folks, of course.

I do understand where you're coming from, as I have a close family member with a personality disorder of another variety - dependency, springing from Asperger's, I'm now told after 50+ years.
Believes being "truthful" relieves one from boundaries.

Re funeral and purple dress: Those who know the deceased can find humor even under the circumstances. My brother's family placed a cell phone next to him in the coffin - 16 yrs ago- as that is how they remembered him, and my family placed a Coke can next to my hubby, as that is what he craved and requested constantly in his illness. I like to think we were laughing with them, not at them - the joke is really our humanity.

Keep on keeping on, Muriel. You're doing just fine, all things considered.