What to say?

[Tanuki]

My mom, age 93 has dementia and is in assisted living. I go over every night after work until her bedtime, and there is a very nice young nurse who comes by to give her a pill each evening. We have a brief but pleasant interaction 5 nights a week, which in recent times included references to her increasingly obvious pregnancy. She had the baby (her third) last week. One of her colleagues showed me a picture of the newborn, who looked very cute and alert, but mentioned the concerning fact that he had "heart issues" and would need cardiac catheterization. Last night I was shocked and sad to learn that the baby had died. I will most likely send a card, if I can find out her address, expressing my sincere condolences, but I would appreciate advice from those of you who may have experienced such a devastating loss as to what was helpful and comforting and what was not, thinking ahead to when she returns to work. I wonder if it would be a burden for her to have to deal with numerous expressions of condolence when she is trying to get back on track? Or will she feel supported and cared about? I just feel so horrible about the death, for the parents, siblings, and extended family.

[Arkansas Granny]

1. Send the card with a simple message. She will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

From one who has been there.

[Hoyt]

2. Not good at these things, but I think A Granny is right. Sorry about your mom, but she is lucky

to have you.

[Tanuki]

3. Thanks Granny and Hoyt. I guess I was wondering more about what would be most

appropriate when she returns to work, having already sent the card. I want to express support without being intrusive. I thought maybe just to say it was good to see her, have been thinking about her, ask how she's doing, and then leave it up to her if she wants to say anything more, and thoroughly respect her privacy if she doesn't. I also am planning to send a donation to the heart foundation in his honor.

[Arkansas Granny]

4. Yes, that would be appropriate. Just knowing that someone cares means a lot.

[auntAgonist]

6. You've gotten some good input here

I think welcoming her back to work with concern for how she is doing is great. Let her know you've been thinking of her and also you're open to chatting (if you are) if she feels like it.

Having lost a baby, early in pregnancy, I hated it when people didn't acknowledge that I'd even been pregnant!

Being respectful is good. If you're comfortable, a gentle hug is always appreciated.

We are all so different and I'm only talking from experience.

You'll do the best thing when you see her. Do you know WHY I say that?

It's because you've had the heart to check with other people and you know in your own heart how to be gentle.

She's going to appreciate your loving concern. Trust me.

kesha.

[Tanuki]

8. Thanks for your very kind and thoughtful post!

[DeadLetterOffice]

5. How to Help a Grieving Friend

Last edited Thu Mar 31, 2016, 05:54 PM - Edit history (1)

Some of this won't apply in your situation, obviously, but still...I hope it's helpful.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1234888

Also, don't worry about saying the "right" thing. There is no right thing. Just let her know you are so sorry for her loss.

Hugs,
DLO

[auntAgonist]

7. Thanks for repostig this DLO. I was going to link it and then saw that you already had.

Much appreciated.

kesha

[Tanuki]

9. Thanks for posting this. It has a lot of suggestions that would be helpful for others as well

so I'm glad that you brought it back up to the surface again.