This isn't about me ... really.

[auntAgonist]

I'm not looking for sympathy or hugs or anything like that. I just want to put it out there that my heart and soul are crushed and I'm at a loss.
Me who has words and love for everyone. The strong me who people come to, and welcomingly so .. The me who can handle ANYTHING .. miss tough gal.

I have lost 2 of my best friends in the last 7 weeks to cancer. Both suddenly. Oh we knew they were fighting tough battles but neither had any idea that they would die so quickly.

Dawn, age 48. Admitted to hospital because of constant fluid build up in her abdomen. Each day she was drained of many many litres of fluid. Her kidneys and liver failed. They were trying to get her strong enough for a liver transplant they said on a saturday morning, she was put on a respirator Saturday afternoon and died at 8:20pm on Saturday night.

Pam, age 60. Had bone, lung and stomach cancer but was managing well on chemo. Suffered a broken clavicle and injured hip while trying to navigate with her walker. Admitted to hospital on a Sunday. Drs performed hip surgery on the Wednesday (her oncologist was not informed prior to this and was furious when she found out. She would have stopped them from doing surger). The following Tuesday Pam informed me that she wasn't ever coming home, they were sending her to Hospice.
Pam died one week later. She was kept comfortable and pain free (?), comatose until she took her last breath.

Pam's family was very kind and allowed me to sit with her. I would go each day for only a few minutes giving them all the privacy I felt they needed. I don't think I spent more than 15 minutes each day. On the day she died, I was going to leave after my usual 15 but her son invited me to stay as long as I was comfortable with. She only had hours to live. I stayed an hour sensing her time was coming near. I was right. They were with her when she passed.

I had asked them to let me know when 'it' happened, call me text me .. but please before it got out on facebook.

I read it on facebook late that night.

I texted both son and daughter asking them to please keep me updated as to funeral or memorial service plans. Daughter-in-law said she would keep me posted.

Pam died 4 days ago. I have heard nothing. They've gone 'dark' on FB and I will not 'stalk' them or annoy them with messages.
If they are having a private family service and or interment that's their right. But, I guess I would like to know that and not be pushed away.

As I said, it's not about me. It's about a family that seems to have shut me out. I KNOW, believe me, I know they are grieving. They are a VERY close knit family and I do respect that.
I thanked them every time I visited. I thanked them for allowing me to share their most precious hours with me.
I know I did everything right but I feel I'm being crapped on.


I'm sorry. I just needed to vent. To get it out. To try to make these tears stop.

aA
kesha.


I truly hope you are all doing well as the holidays approach. Much love to each and every one of you.
This group is a godsend for many of us.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Oh boy, my dear auntAgonist...

My heart goes out to you in this terrible time of loss. I can only imagine a little bit of what grief like yours must feel like.

To lose two close friends in such a short period of time has to be overwhelming. All their gifts to you, all the great things you had with them....all just memories now. And memories are such pale reflections of reality.

And then to have the family leave you in the dark? Oh my god. Pam was part of you and you her. To lose that makes the loss so much harder to bear. I wish they were not doing this to you.

I hope they will come to their senses and take you back into the family, where you belong.

My deepest condolences.

[auntAgonist]

4. Honestly Peggy I don't think they see me as a part of anything. Just one of Pam's friends.

It just would have eased the pain a bit to know what the plans are/were. Even if, and it's there right to do so, if they chose a private memorial service I truly support that.
What hurts is the not knowing anything.
I don't expect to be treated as family, I don't think they owe me anything at all.
Just a few words would be nice.
For some, death and funerals are so very private and I understand that.
I am hurt that they have chosen however to leave me in the dark.

It's not fair, but then, life's not fair is it?

Thank you Peggy, your comment is so appreciated.

kesha

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. I'm glad I could help, even if only a little.

My experience with Chris' family was so completely different--they took me in, confided in me, included me in their plans and outings.

So I have some idea of how it must feel to not have any of that.

[auntAgonist]

7. You were fortunate indeed. I'm just heartbroken. 2 dear friends in a short time.

They were both wonderful women and I will miss their friendship SO much.
I have terrible moments of sadness when I think of Pam and still with Dawn.
It's hard, Pam's house is across the road from ours. There's no lights on at night and her little dog Chubbs isn't in the yard anymore. She was a single lady .. there's only memories there now.
Eventually her son will sell the house, I'm sure. There will be happiness there again.

I would not wish Pam back again with all the horrible suffering she endured. F*ck cancer .. f*ck it all to hell.


kesha

[whathehell]

2. As you've written it, the family seems to have been so receptive and accommodating..

to you...Can you think of any reason they would suddenly turn against you?

[auntAgonist]

3. I honestly don't think they've turned against me rather they are just perhaps

being very private. Maybe they are just too busy to think of letting some people know. I can't imagine I'm the only one.

They were very receptive and accomodating and that's what's so puzzling to me

I'm really trying hard not to take it personally and to remember that the friendship was between Pam and me, not them.

thank you for your response.

aA
kesha

[whathehell]

5. That's what it sounds like to me, aunt..

I can relate because I recently experienced something very similar. I experienced a sudden lack of communication from a very friendly acquaintance and was POSITIVE it was personal...Turns out I was completely wrong and that it was, as it seems in your case, just a case of being very preoccupied....Glad to be of any help I can be. Take care of yourself.

[auntAgonist]

8. There is finally an online obituary posted tonight. There is a private family memorial planned

No details. Nothing.

I'm ok with that. A family has a right to grieve and celebrate as they need to.

I'm just sorry they seem to have cut off communication.

Trying very hard to not take it personally and rather dwell on the fondest of memories that our friendship created.

goodnight all.

goodnight Dawn, goodnight Pam. We will hopefully maybe meet again and if not, thanks for the memories.


kesha

[KT2000]

9. I wish I had more hearts to give

you are in a difficult time right now. I hope these difficulties will soon turn into fond remembrances of your loved ones.