Has anyone noticed siblings growing more distant and/or cutting ties after their last parent dies?

[whathehell]

My beloved dad died in 1997 at the age of 79 and my mom died ten years later at the age

of 87. I have only one sister and she and her two daughters (I'm childless) are all the remaining

family I have left.

For a year after my mother died, my sister, who lives about 700 miles away, called me at least

once a week. Although our relationship was never without problems, I did love her and cherished her and

my nieces as the remaining "family".

An argument involving all of them happened about two years ago, and though

all parties have since "settled" it, and claim to harbor no ill feelings, I am lucky now if

I hear from my sister a couple of times a YEAR. She's a smart person, but never the most introspective

or self aware, or for that matter, "direct" about her feelings, but when she said she wasn't angry, I believed her.

I SO miss her and the sense of family, but the last time I called my sister and simply REQUESTED

that we keep in touch more regularly -- not necessarily as often

as once a week -- She became quite curt, saying "If you want to call, call, if not don't".

When I responded -- in a mild, non-angry voice -- She started yelling. I don't even

know what she was yelling ABOUT, really, and so I told her, in a non-angry tone, that

I was getting off the phone. That was months ago, and I've yet to hear from her,

with the exception of one no-message birthday card she sent a couple of weeks ago.


I want to say THANKS to all who have taken the time to read this. I realize it's long and wordy, but I really do

want to hear about OTHER people's experiences regarding the impact of parental death on the remaining siblings.

Thanks again for anything you can offer.

P.S. My sister is semi-retired and has no children at home, although she does have a husband with
Alzheimer's who is being well-cared for in an Assisted Living residence located nearby.

[woodsprite]

1. Yes, it happens.

My brother and I were very close to Mom, less so when I got married, but we still got together pretty much weekly. Mom's been gone 13 yrs now, and even though we live less than 10 miles away from each other, we talk on the phone about every 4 wks and see each other about every 3-4 months or so.

The same thing has happened with my in-laws family, even though they just moved down to Florida. They were kind of the 'glue' that held everyone together. We got together for a weekly family dinner for the first 26 years. At the beginning (when they first moved down), we all were looking for a break (especially from the tension that would sometimes arise or from my SIL bringing her kids that were sick and spreading germs to everyone) from having a 17-21 person pot luck on a weekly basis. But we've gotten out of the habit now and do one only on holidays. Also, it fell on me to keep everyone together and I'm just the daughter-in-law. We did all get together and went down to FL for my FILs 80th birthday this summer. For 10 nights we met at Mom/Dads for dinner and did the beaches together. We felt we needed a vacation after that. My SILs family is very different from mine and the kids don't have much in common. I don't know if it will be any less once Mom and Dad are gone, but I'm pretty sure it won't be much more.

Maybe if you just called your sister and kept it very casual and short, she'd know the door was always open to contact you.

[whathehell]

2. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Woodsprite.

As for my sister, I did send her an email thanking her for the card she sent, but she never

acknowledged it with a "your welcome", or whatever.


You might be right about giving her a call, but since I initiated the last call, which started out light

and casual and then deteriorated, I don't feel comfortable initiating another one.

As it happens, HER birthday comes only a few weeks after mine, so I'll send her a card and

see what happens.

[47of74]

3. My uncle and one of his brothers...

My uncle's mother died back in May of 2007. I was a pallbearer at her funeral because I was probably the closest thing she had to a grandson living in the area (all her actual grandchildren live in Germany). After she died my uncle and one of his brothers drifted pretty far apart to the point that they haven't spoken to each other in quite a while. They only live about five miles from each other. I think things are still ok between him and his brother that lives 70 miles away and the one in Germany.

As for my mom's family they've pretty much stayed as close as they did before my grandma passed away in 2003. Another uncle who lives in Louisiana doesn't come up every year now like he did before. He's been back twice since grandma's passing. There are no bad feelings that I know of, just that he and his wife don't feel the need to come up now that grandma's gone and they're busy with their own family. But I think he stays in touch with mom and her siblings just as much as before.

[McCIoud]

4. +1

[GLSER]

5. am going thought this now...

Am going trough this now it seems. And its driven by a douche bag brother in law. Its has accelerated lately, the distancing and the nastiness with the catalyst being a blow up on her part and me feeling bad enough to want to talk about it and them dismissing any need to apologize or show any empathy. How to deal with this and what has your experience been since your original post?

[whathehell]

6. I have a question..

You state the problem is being driven by a brother in law, but then you refer to "she".

I'm not sure what you mean.

[GLSER]

7. by "she" i meant

my sister. over the years she has been influenced by my brother in law (her husband). and not things are accelerating.

[GLSER]

10. Comment

If you are not going to contribute then don't ask any questions which only benefit yourself. Obviously having read your old post I thought you could share some wisdom but you are contributed zero.

[whathehell]

11. Comment

As of this entry, you have all of six posts here, so I'd say it's a bit early to be giving orders.

Beyond that, you might note the date of my initial posts as being in 2012...I'm sorry I haven't

been able to contribute more on the subject, but I have been tied up with a plethora of

health and other issues.

[auntAgonist]

15. You don't own him apology. Rudeness is never welcome here. He was rude. n/t

[whathehell]

16. Thanks antagonist.

I appreciate your support.

[auntAgonist]

14. Please be RESPECTFUL of the members here.

Your opinions and comments are welcome.

Your rudeness isn't.

aA

[No Vested Interest]

8. It could be that some siblings stick around while parents, especially Mom, are living

in order to not hurt or disappoint one or both parents.

We all know that many siblings are very different one from another; some of that is inborn personality types, even though they are raised in the same circumstances. The differences are compounded when siblings take up different careers, move away from the family home area, and, most especially, when they marry. In-laws bring a whole new equation to the mix, compounded by the children they have.

Because we would like to have our siblings remain in our lives, I believe it's important to leave doors open to family members; never turn your back on them,(though I realize there are circumstances where that might be necessary, but I'm not speaking to those instances) and to let them know that you will always welcome them and that family is important to you.

When my last parent (mother) died, I was the only sibling of four remaining in our home town. I had seen her through her final days, in fact had been responsible for her living and financial affairs for a number of years. I administered her estate, making sure that each sibling had the family possessions that they wanted and could accommodate. I became the family matriarch, worked on family history (genealogy), which proved to be a way of keeping the connection.

Two of my sibs have since died; the remaining brother calls me every 10-14 days, and will be returning this week for the first time in ca 7 years; at my suggestion, my out-of-town son and wife will come 500 miles to visit with him.

I'm trying to foster a sense of family among my four very different middle-aged children, so that they'll carry on and keep doors open when I'm no longer here.

[GLSER]

9. I agree with you

I tolerated by brother in law's rudeness for years so as not to cause friction when my parents were still around. After their passing, he continued his ways and what I find is that my sister is now also very surly. They really don't subscribe to the sense of family idea you are describing while I do because my parents valued it. The disappointment in me is how after my parents passing my sister is a completely different person. I didn't have any expectations of any positive change on my brother in laws part but I never expected this from my sister. When I say my sister is a completely different person she is very rude, has no desire to keep in touch with me, has said something nasty about my wife, and on holidays I am completely ignored despite my efforts to at least send well wishes. I'm slowly adopting to this new scenario but its both shocking and disappointing.

[whathehell]

12. You've written a really thoughtful post. Thank you.

I'm curious as to the gender breakdown of you and your siblings..I may be wrong, but it

seems to me that women generally stay closer to the family of origin than men.

[No Vested Interest]

13. Thanks for your kind words. Gender breakdown =

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

As I inferred, all very different personality styles.
Both boys/brothers left the area in young twenties, younger sister eventually left after divorce.
I- female- had married a man who had relocated from the East Coast & made his career with a major corporation in the area.

I wish I could offer some words to you re your sister and your need for family.
With her husband in an assisted-living facility, she may have quite a burden to handle, even though his physical needs are taken care of. Plus, you never know what might be going on with her daughters and their families, etc.

Many possibilities there for you re keeping doors open.

I have found- oddly enough- that many of my nieces and nephews have Facebook accounts, and by "friending" them, I'm able to get a little insight into what's going on in their lives and now and again offer encouraging comments on their doings and family accomplishments.
I know many people hate Facebook, and there is much to be avoided there, but, in this regard, it has proved useful to me.
I also post photos of some of our ancestors and family stories for the benefit of the younger generations, knowing that a lot of information will be gone when I go. I think and hope that contributes to a sense of family.

I do not get into political dialogue with them, as many are conservative, some in the extreme. Even with my own conservative son, we just don't go there, as our familial regard is more important to us than politics, and we both know that discussions are not productive. He is a good person, and that is good enough for me.

Good luck in your efforts to keep family doors open.