Processing the loss
About 10 days ago, I learned that my BFF passed away. I found out on Facebook of all places.
Needless to say, it was a shock on several levels. 1. I wasn't expecting it. 2. I wasn't expecting it because he never even hinted that he was dying. 3. I hated the idea of him suffering but being stoic. 4. He was in Rehab at the time. He was supposed to be getting better. 5. We spoke on the phone 36 hours before he passed. 6. I depended upon him for sage advice, for humor, for emotional support.
And now he just doesn't exist.
I couldn't stop crying for 4-5 days. The first day that I didn't spontaneously weep or get wet eyes, I worried whether this meant that I was in denial, that I didn't care, whether I would relegate him to a memory locked off somewhere.
And the memories. So many that I started jotting them down on pieces of paper. Things he said. Things he taught me. Dedicated to keeping him "alive".
And finally, where does the love go when someone dies? Just because they left doesn't mean they didn't love you. It wasn't their choice to leave.
This is the first person who died in my life who was a very special friend. His loss is more than palpable. I didn't grieve like this when either of my parents passed.
My college friend taught me this saying, and I'm using it for the timebeing: Every day it's easier to wake up. I hope so.
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The crying hits at unexpected times, usually something little triggers it. Thats what I’ve found anyway. Your and their love is literally in your heart, be still, call them, believe, practice and you will feel it growing stronger.
A few years ago my BFF and mentor of 30 years passed, just weeks following my mother's passing. I was exponentially more upset about my BFF's passing. I was terrified while she was dying and devastated when she passed.
She did let me know when she left; it was mid day, a time when I am least likely to be taking a nap or feel tired. I recall a sudden feeling of drowsiness and went to lay down, I was out of it in seconds. Then I realized I was in a lucid dream. In the 'dream' I was standing in her bedroom with her husband and daughter looking at her in the bed. It was bright and sunny outside, almost blinding as it filled the room through the window. She suddenly sat up in bed and swung her legs out to get up. I noticed that she looked younger and well, fully dressed in a crisp apricot plaid blouse and apricot colored capri pants. She slipped on her sandals as she stood up and headed for the bedroom door. Next, we were all standing in the living-room near the stairs and front door. We watched as our beloved matron walked down the stairs, grabbed a windbreaker off the rack and walked out the door and down the little walkway toward the blinding light. And then I awoke knowing that she had passed and was going to be fine.
I still cry when I think about her, I will miss her for the rest of my time on this planet. I am sure it will be so with you regarding your BFF. The thing that helps me compose myself when I get emotional is to remember that the worst thing I could do is forget her and the important life lessons she guided me through.
Time will help too but not as noticeably. You're stronger because of that friendship, honor it by remaining strong.
I'm so sorry. Your situation is tough because of the uncertainties and circumstances. Depending on whether or not you know anyone else who knew this person, you might be in the difficult position of not being able to express your grief or share it with others who can truly appreciate the depth of your grief and make you feel as if your pain is being heard.
The second book I'm going to mention addresses the issues of "Where does the love go?" and questions the linear timeline ideas we have about our lives, our losses. Both books question the idea grief is something we need to "get over." I got rid of that idea years ago after realizing I am very happy I can feel such pain because it means that we loved truly and deeply.
Maybe you can check out these books online and see if they might be something you would find helpful:
"Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief" by Joanne Cacciatore. (I'll post the link to her websites below. There is some help on those websites.)
"No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life" by Thich Nhat Hanh. This isn't really a book about grief but out life, loss, death and fear, but when I finished reading it I had a different perspective about grief and loss. I have to tell you that this book is by a Buddhist, so although it is not heavy handed in any way about religion, it is written from an Eastern perspective that discusses life from a non-dual perspective (where linear time is not so important). This book was so good that I just ordered a second book by him that is specifically on the topic of loss, grief and bereavement (but haven't received yet).
From my heart I wish you the best.
Links to Dr. Cacciatore's websites:
https://www.centerforlossandtrauma.com/
https://www.missfoundation.org/ (its mission statement is to help parents who have lost a child, but again there is some helpful information for generalized grief)
Sending you love and support
