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limbicnuminousity

(1,409 posts)
Sat Jan 13, 2024, 10:52 PM Jan 2024

A theory

This feels oddly personal. Neat group here.

I've always felt alone aside from occasional moments of companionship shared with friends or family. After digging around in my subconscious, I think two main "events" started me on the path. It is weirdly personal, so apologies if any of this becomes TMI.

The first event was my mother having a c-section. She was maybe 21 at the time, remained a virgin until her wedding day, envisioned a picturesque nuclear family as advertised on Leave It To Beaver. And her first baby was born weighing just shy of 13 lbs. Ow. The docs performed an emergency c-section (they tried to deliver normally to avoid giving "such a pretty little thing" a nasty scar) and left her with a large scar that ruined her self-image along with her hopes and dreams for the picturesque life. Her husband divorced her and her family blamed her for it. So, of course she was never able to accept me as her child. I was just the meatbag she was responsible for. I don't blame her for it, now that I understand the mechanics of how it happened. It makes me wonder, though, whether or not c-section babies might not have a predisposition for loner life styles.

The second event I think truly underscores the dilemma faced by single parents. I was about 4 and my mother returned home from work sick as a dog. It was probably a bad flu or something along those lines. Anyway, she didn't have a support network of any kind. So, she got sick and slept for 3 nights only rousing to use the bathroom. So, for 4 days and 3 nights I subsisted on saltines and water. I watched Looney Tunes. I waited in the living room wondering if or when my mother would die and relegated myself to keeping watch. Be damned if I can sleep at night 50 years later, still waiting and watching for the "bad thing" to happen.

Nearly dying another two times before I was 5 pretty much locked me in to an isolated mindset at an early age.

Thanks for reading.

The general question I would propose is this: does the loner life style occur "naturally" or is it a response to trauma? I doubt there's any single cause behind people becoming loners. It is curious though and I do wonder about the c-section thing.

10 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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A theory (Original Post) limbicnuminousity Jan 2024 OP
It could be your power Arne Jan 2024 #1
Thank you for that. :) limbicnuminousity Jan 2024 #5
I think it is a response to trauma. Eko Jan 2024 #2
Same here, trauma does bad things to kids Warpy Jan 2024 #8
I've been lucky enough to have never suffered any such trauma, but still turned out a loner ... eppur_se_muova Jan 2024 #3
Probably both berniesandersmittens Jan 2024 #4
Thanks for the welcome. limbicnuminousity Jan 2024 #6
I am amazed Arne Jan 2024 #7
If there is an animal in residence Warpy Jan 2024 #9
Just as I type this Arne Jan 2024 #10

limbicnuminousity

(1,409 posts)
5. Thank you for that. :)
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 09:24 AM
Jan 2024

After figuring things out I've recast the memory and come to the conclusion that I was fortunate enough to go on a "vision quest" at an unusually young age. I do consider it a source of personal power. Not ego.

Periodic bouts of solitude are good for a contemplative life. Loners, I think, get to figure some things out that might otherwise be difficult to understand.

Warpy

(113,130 posts)
8. Same here, trauma does bad things to kids
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 06:03 PM
Jan 2024

especially when grownups minimize it or say stupid things like "if you don't keep talking about it, you'll forget all about it," like that was going to happen at 16, after a murder.

If you''re lucky, you just feel oddly disconnected from kids who grew up in milk and cookies families. If you're very unlucky, you grow up with background depression and/or anxiety that doesn't respond to drugs, something I suspect is true in the OP's case.

But however we all got here, fellow loners, I salute you. Some have a natural inclination to it. Others just got tire of feeling like the only sober person in a roomful of drunks. We're all here, we know who we are, and we're survivors.

eppur_se_muova

(37,366 posts)
3. I've been lucky enough to have never suffered any such trauma, but still turned out a loner ...
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 01:47 AM
Jan 2024

... and have a sibling who is pretty much the opposite.

berniesandersmittens

(11,681 posts)
4. Probably both
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 08:45 AM
Jan 2024

I don't know about the c-section theory, but your trauma definitely helped shape your personality and how you perceive the world around you.

Sometimes Loners welcome their solitude, while other Loners are forced by loss or isolation. It can be a blessing or a curse (depending on circumstances and predisposition).

Welcome to the Loners Group

limbicnuminousity

(1,409 posts)
6. Thanks for the welcome.
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 09:49 AM
Jan 2024


I choose to look at it as a blessing. Of course being an extrovert is also a blessing. It comes down to what you do with it, perhaps?

One more anecdote to round things out. Some 20 years ago my daughter and I were at a shelter in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. It was a surreal experience. A kind woman observed my daughter, age 5 at the time, quietly playing with a toy on her own away from the other kids and the woman said to me: "That child will never be lonely. She may be alone, but she's never going to be lonely." She wasn't wrong.

I think being a loner can be a good thing even in instances where trauma plays a precipitating role in one following a loner path.





Arne

(3,597 posts)
7. I am amazed
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 10:27 AM
Jan 2024

by those people that have charisma.
That person with a presence and personality
that everyone instantly loves.
But right next to him or her, is that person who all but disappears.
Which is unsatisfied or unhappy? Not sure.

Warpy

(113,130 posts)
9. If there is an animal in residence
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 07:22 PM
Jan 2024

whether it's a dog, cat, or guinea pig, it will be in our laps. We find animals comforting in social situations and it's mutual.

I was a nurse. I went into that instead of writing code because I'm the type of person that other people like to spill their guts to, my eyes glazing over but they don't care. That was very useful to me when I was a nurse and I don't think sociable people find too many other people who actually listen to them.

My best friend is one of those very charismatic people but I was the one who got the goods. I can't say I faded into the woodwork. The critters knew I was there, and so did anyone who needed a sympathetic person to talk to.

Arne

(3,597 posts)
10. Just as I type this
Sun Jan 14, 2024, 07:30 PM
Jan 2024

our yellow lab has melted into my arms as I coo into her ear.
Both my wife and I love every animal except rats and they know it.
The pandemic was the excuse for me to retire and withdraw.

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