My story a basic outline
I grew up in a place that was not suburban it had way more woods and fields and such,than it does now.
When I was 4 my neighbor who's son I already was friends with,started acting nice to me. This went on for awhile,before he ,he was fun, My father was mean or drunk..I actually was blown away that billy's dad played with him,smiled at him,didn't tease and humiliate him I kinda envied billy having such a kind dad. .and at that time,me.We had fun.Bruce was billy's dad's name and I started to trust him,to talk to him about the hell my house had inside it.Bruce was in some kind of christian cult. He tried to push god on me,but I couldn't love a god that killed all the animals and innocent babies in a flood. Bible stories upset me even than,but bruce was nice,I could overlook the god stuff because it seemed like he really cared about me.
But that changed,he mixed religion with his perversion.And it messed up my head pretty bad.This stuff with bruce went on for about 2 years before my cousin found out,Bruce gave me money after doing what he did,as he threatened to kill my cats,chickens,etc. So one day My cousin and I were gonna walk to 7-11.My cousin saw the wad of bills,asked how I got it.I couldn't think up a lie she'd believe fast enough so I told her the truth.Made her swear to silence,because bruce threatened to kill me,my sisters,my pets and even her if word got out.
Well, my cousin told my mom,my mom told my father,I overheard this conversation as my bedroom was at the end of the kitchen and they woke me up all the time tinkling their coffee cups. I was terrified, what if mom told bruce what if my father told him,we might all be killed. My mom told my asshole father everything.His reply? What's wrong with her,referring to me.
Mom just told me I could never play over billy's house.And his father forbade billy to cross our property line.
I had no other friends.
When I went to school,things just got worse In kindergarten I made some friends,I was the only one that could read easily and write in class. One day another kid hit me,I hit him back told him to stop. Teacher grabbed me up and beat the crap out of me and put me and the other kid in a corner. then what really wierds me out is she made a purple crown from the boarder of the display board she was taking down and put it on my head in front of the whole class.I was bullied from first grade until high school. I saw the school shrink in 2nd grade,and was sent to university of Maryland, put on ritalin.No one asked about my home life or what my life was like.I tried to kill myself first time at 8 years old.Ended up in a swamp mud sucked off my shoes..trying to get out of that mess.The abuse at home and at school was everyday,it was in class,between class,on the bus,at home,the only refuge I had was the woods.
When I was 14, I saw a dead black and white cat on the way to school,freaked out and I told my mom to take me to a shrink,my mind was messed up.
I was put in a local hospital first the first time inpatient,I was 15. It was for 6 months. After that I begged my mom to get away from my father,he had become very mean and violent.I was scared of him. We moved to an apartment. I was taking a heavy dose of mellaril.
One time he tried to kill my mom when we went to the house so mom could have him co-sign taxes,She used me as a human shield told me to walk in the living room first.He had a gun grabbed my mom by the neck.I ended up somehow jumping over the coffee table and slamming into him making him drop the gun.We both left bullets pinging off the car.
About two years later my mom wanted to move back home.I ran away after therapy and tried to hide. I wanted to go back to the hospital..I ended up beaten bad,humiliated, my shirt off,whipped by a belt by my sisters boyfriend as my mom and my sister held my arms. Got back to the apartment,got locked in my room a heavy dresser pushed over the door. I tied sheets together and rappelled out the 3rd story window of the apartment building.And ran.I got my friend from my first hospitalization to run me to the hospital.My therapist would not admit me.My arms were cut up,I showed her the whip marks and marks on my arms my mom and sister did.She sent me back home.A month or so later she sat with me trying to convince me to go back there. I felt so betrayed. and scared.helpless and pissed.
One day my father was itching for a fight.I took the knife he was using to slice the roast,I chased him with it,and as he tried to open the back door I threw it about an inches from his face. He never hit me again. He whined to my mom about how dangerous and crazy I was.
That boyfriend who belted me years later became my brother in law and he would humiliate me about wanting sex with me in front of my sister and talked about my boobs and body in the grossest way at family gatherings, he did this for years and even though i'd get upset everyone blew it off ,in denial that he was a pervert too..everyone was drunk,and arguments or violence broke out like clockwork.
Later I walked ten miles to see my psychologist,I told her I could not take this crap at home the crap at school anymore. A year later I was sent to a catholic and state run state school for troubled girls I didn't fit in there either.I faced alot of abuse, if not from my peers from the staff and nuns.I was put on pretty high doses of meds.
That is when I started having flashbacks about my father raping and molesting me.
I just lost it there,and was sent to another psych hospital. I was 17 In this place I was drugged up ALOT.1,000 mg.Thorazine 3 or 4 times a day. Locked in a room 22 hours a day for 18 months.I was let out to go top my father's funeral.I went just to get out of that room.It was really embarrassing having two staff with me at all times. I was transferred to the adult unit at 18.The mind games made me crazy,the control freaks on the unit,I hated them.I Got drugged up. I spent 3 1/2 years in that time. I would be in that place if you added up the admissions for around 10 ,15 years.In the system for longer.
Than went to my first PRP,they played power games and I got kicked out,over and over this happened ,because I would ask why,I wanted to know what my meds were,and sometimes I didn't go along,or pretend something they did was nice when it was abuse. In these residential places and in psych units I have been choked,forced to go to ER,humiliated,threatened,forced to room with very filthy people, had other patients try to sexually assault me,manipulated,lied to,hurt.and dealt with staff trying to sexually assault me,to cop feels,etc.
I was in and out of these places until I met carl.I was with him ten years and married for two it was hell.I got involved with assemblies of god,and they messed up my mind more.My life with him was one thing after another,I was bullied into marriage.I had no one I could talk to as carl had pushed away all my friends. One day I had enough of his crap.I told him to leave,and thus he left.I now was alone in this house with 1 roommate, nothing to do,no one to talk to.it was very lonely, I used to write alot on DU,when politics would piss me off or a thread got me researching..
But these days I feel so empty I can't remember what an emotion feels like,I go to a prp the first one without bullies in staff. I have had no conflicts there because they finally listen to me. Anyway,I am stuck now with ahedonia,stress I can feel physically but no emotions,isolation and life is more like death than death. I feel nothing. It's like my soul has died.I go from couch to bed,it's all I can do to motivate myself to do anything.As nothing changes inside no matter what I do.I wonder if I have brain damage.
= new reply since forum marked as read
I am speechless over the shit you've had forced on you. It's horrible. Makes me want to cry.
If I may take a wild guess, it seems you've shut off feelings and emotions as a way of protecting yourself. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It is normal to try to protect yourself, and you've had an incredible amount of dreadful stuff to endure.
Once you've established that you feel protected and safe (and I hope you are, now), then perhaps you will feel like venturing outward a tiny bit in various directions. But only when you're ready. The important thing is that you feel protected and safe.
It's extremely hard to feel safe when your own family has betrayed you again and again. Families, especially parents, are supposed to protect, not repeatedly harm. So when you do reach a point where you feel safe and protected, you've accomplished a great deal.
I wish you the best in your efforts to heal. Please let us know how you're doing.
There is a lot that is familiar in your story. Things like these should never be endured by children. My heart is with you.
I read every word of your post twice. I hear you.
You are a good writer, undergroundpanther. Keep writing. Here, on your thread. A Journal. Your other favorite groups on DU. Just keep writing.
I understand what you are saying, undergroundpanther.
Sometimes, you just start putting pen to paper (or fingers to keys) without any thought of what you are actually writing. No thought or emotion needed. Not all the time. Words you write may not even make complete sentences at times. But, eventually they might.
It takes time. Know that I am here to read whatever you want to put down.
