Internalized victim-blaming. (possible trigger)

[moriah]

A girl I really didn't know very well (but I hope to get to know her better) talked about the self-blame she felt when, as a preschooler, her abuser played with her body's responses as well as her body.

I told her a story about a girl I knew who blamed herself for "giving in" (when to do otherwise she knew would mean physical abuse and possibly the abuse of her siblings) to advances when she was a teenager, from her stepfather. And her immediate reaction was -- Of course it's not her fault, she was a child! When I pointed out that so was she... and much younger.... it sunk in for a second, and then I could see the internalized victim blaming taking back over, to try to come up with a reason why somehow it still had to be her fault.

I find myself doing this too, blaming myself, internalizing that societal voice that if only ... if only ... if only .... I could have not been raped or abused.

Any suggestions on how to overcome that internalized societal voice that makes you blame yourself?

[MichiganVote]

1. Self blame can give the appearance of control. It takes super human effort

To let go of that and let what was-was. Each step is in slow motion until it's not. Some never get there, and that's ok too.

[In_The_Wind]

2. The only way to overcome the feeling is to always remember that:

It truly was not your fault that you were the victim of sexual abuse and rape.

For me, the voices of my childhood never stopped blaming me until I moved out of my father's home when I was 17.
It is an ongoing job to remember that I was the injured party, the victim. I was a child who did nothing wrong.
Now, I try to love that child (me) who was never loved and protected enough to be safe from childhood sexual abuse.

[angstlessk]

3. When I was raped...age 11 going to Catholic School..my mom told them I was raped

So the teacher told a story of a little girl who was given a choice of being killed or raped..and she chose being killed...I was never given that choice...but I would have chosen being raped...over death....TRUST ME!

[FedUpWithIt All]

4. I had a moment of clarity, like you offered that girl.

I don't remember the exact moment when it first clicked but it did at some point. I was only a child. I had a child's mind. I had a child's level of experience to draw on. I had a child's understanding. I had a child's level of personal resources. I had a child's dependance on the adults in my life. Much of the scary stuff that went on in my younger life happened during a time when a child still believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I began to see my younger self as an actual child. I don't blame her anymore... that i know of. In fact, i wish, badly, that i could parent her and protect her. It has helped to somewhat keep the image of her as a separate being, in a way. I try to remind myself, that blaming her, has the actual affect of re-victimizing her. I would NEVER pile more onto a suffering child. I don't want to do that to the younger me either. She's been through enough.

None of this has been very affective at helping me to change the impact that the events of my past have had on me though. I still feel a child's level of helplessness and fear. I still desire a place to hide. I still respond as a child to those parts of myself but i finally do understand WHY and accept that it is so because i really was only a child. I'm going to start EMdr. Hopefully, this will give me a new perspective and i can finally give that little girl, that i was, and in some ways still am, some well deserved rest.

I wish you peace.