Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery (satire)

[milestogo]

Published: March 31, 2025

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. “We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA,” said Hegseth, who slammed the 12-step program as an undue burden on alcoholics, not only in the Defense Department, but across all levels of federal government.

“We’re going to start by slashing the parts about admitting you have a problem and making amends to everyone you’ve supposedly ‘hurt.’ Ideally, we’ll cut it down to one step—praying or whatever it is. That’s a 92% savings in steps. Eventually, we hope to get rid of the program entirely.” Hegseth added that the time saved by the reduction in steps would also allow Americans to get to happy hour far more quickly.

https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-calls-for-steep-cuts-to-number-of-steps-in-aa-recovery/