Warning: The following post is 100% factual. Sadly. [View all]
The Borowitz report.
The recent allegations about FBI Director Kash Patel’s drunken antics are regrettable in that they briefly shifted focus away from the man who, until now, had been the most notorious boozer in Trump’s Cabinet: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.
Alas, Whiskey Pete didn’t have the sense to lie low this week, and instead drew attention to himself by continuing to implement his zero-tolerance policy for competence in the US armed forces.
Earlier this month, Gen. Randy George, the army chief of staff, joined the swelling ranks of highly-esteemed military leaders whom the former “Fox & Friends” weekend host kicked to the curb in a frenzy of febrile paranoia, cementing his reputation as secretary of defensiveness.
Yesterday, it was Secretary of the Navy John Phelan’s turn to get the chop. Now, to be clear, Phelan is no Randy George. In fact, he shares two unfortunate resume items with the current commander-in-chief: zero military experience and a link to Jeffrey Epstein. (Phelan never boarded an aircraft carrier, but he did ride on the Lolita Express.) So I can’t say that I mourned Phelan’s departure—that is, until I found out who was replacing him.
America, meet your new Acting Secretary of the Navy: Hung Cao.
Who, you might be wondering, is Hung Cao?
In 2024, Donald Trump anointed Cao to be the Republican nominee in Virginia’s US Senate race. On the campaign trail during his (unsuccessful) run for Congress in 2022, the former Navy captain didn’t think bragging about his military service would suffice: at every opportunity, he told voters that he’d been “blown up” multiple times.
“I’m 100% disabled, you know, because just from being blown up in combat many times and everything else, you know, knee, shoulders,” he said. “I’ve got more surgeries than you could possibly imagine.”
The key word here is “imagine,” as USA Today discovered when it investigated Cao’s military record. Despite Cao’s claim of “getting shot at and blown up in Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia,” the newspaper reported, “Four retired Navy and Army officers who reviewed Cao’s service record said it was unusual for a sailor severely wounded in combat in Iraq or Afghanistan not to have received a Purple Heart or the Navy’s Combat Action Ribbon.”
Given his behavior during the campaign, however, it’s possible that Cao did sustain serious injuries—to the brain. He compared abortion to Nazi atrocities and claimed that Wiccans had seized control of Monterey, California. He referred to himself as an “African-American” because he spent a few years in Niger as a child. As for his ideal Navy recruit, he declared, “What we need is alpha males and alpha females who are going to rip out their own guts, eat ‘em and ask for seconds.” It’s hard to see how disemboweling and then eating oneself would improve one’s performance as a sailor—but If that nugget of wisdom eluded Virginians, he tried to win them over by handing out campaign coins bearing the catchy slogan, “I Want My Senator to be Hung.” Voters who shared that icky sentiment proved to be rare: he lost to the Democrat, Sen. Tim Kaine, by 9 points.
This is the man Pete Hegseth has chosen to oversee the Navy just as the US’s blockade of the Strait of Hormuz falters and more troops head for the Middle East.
What could go wrong?
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/pete-hegseths-zero-tolerance-for
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