I'm freaking out a bit.

[LuckyCharms]

Taking Xanax and pot gummies on alternate days to try to calm myself down.

I don't want to scare my wife...she has enough on her plate. She gets scared when I'm sick.

Woke up the other day mostly blind. Dumped "Systane" eye drops in my eyes all day...eyes eventually cleared up to the point of tolerability. My floaters are ridiculous. Straight lines are crooked. Letters of the alphabet all run together like jackstraws.

I have 3 doctors...a retina specialist, a regular eye doc, and an optometrist. All 3 of them are so goddamn busy, that they spend about 3 minutes explaining this shit to you before running off to the next patient. They skirt around my question "Am I going blind". Retina doc says it's the front of the eye causing the problems. Regular eye doc says its the retinas.

I get Eylea eye injections. They help for a bit sometimes.

Here's what the report from my last visit to my regular eye doc says:

Established patient. Type 1 with ocular complications. Severe nonproliferative diabetic retinopathy OU. Dry eye syndrome OU. Meibomian gland dysfunction all 4 lids. Macular RPE changes. Diabetic Macular edema OS. Vitreous floaters OU. Posterior capsular haze OU. pseudophakia OU.

The above is from the regular eye doc...not the retina doc. I don't have a write up for those problems.

I've been posting here either way too much, or hardly at all. That's because I'm scared shitless.

I have some real-life shoulders I can cry on, but those that I can cry with depend on me, so I don't want to scare them, so I type out my fear here.

I'm scared, and this sucks so bad. no response needed, I'm just venting. I'm going to get off the computer and go work myself to exhaustion so I can get some sleep.

Thanks for reading.