"This is not a one person job."

[JayhawkSD]

When I first got sober I had a sponsor who emphasized the aspect of sobriety which consists of removing myself from the center of my universe; directing my attention toward a power greater than myself and toward others; focusing on being part of something larger than I am. It was good advice and has been a significant part of my application of the disciplines embodied in the steps of recovery.

I had been sober about ten years when I first met my wife. (Good thing, since she would not have had anything to do with me much earlier than that.) As we considered marriage I realized that it could risk my sobriety, or could enhance it if I exercised the same disciplines in the relationship. I resolved that I would regard the marriage as an opportunity to be part of something larger than myself, and would focus on what I was giving to the marriage and not on what I was getting from it.

To be honest, that was hard at first and I really didn’t do it very well. But I worked at it and got better at it over time. The better I got at it the better things became. My wife was happier, I was happier, the marriage was stronger... When things work they become easier to do, and after twenty five years that framework has become structural for me. It still requires conscious thought, but I no longer really have to work at it; it’s pretty much who I am.

And then a few months ago my wife got cancer. It’s stage one, so the outlook is not awful, but it’s a rare type which is very aggressive and has a high rate of recurrence. She had surgery, which was more radical than usual because of the type of cancer, and is now having chemotherapy which will be followed by radiation. Tough time for her.

Less tough for me than it would be if I had not had 25 years of practice in not being focused on myself. A nurse took me aside during a chemo session and told me of support groups for caregivers, asked my how I was doing. It was nice of her, but I told her I was fine because this is not about me; this is about getting my wife through a tough time. I’m not sure she got it, but…

The other day my wife was thanking me for something I’d helped her with and said, in part, “This is not a one person job.” It was just a passing remark, not a big deal, but it was a nice moment.

It occurred to me the other day that this is what the whole thirty-five year journey has been about; to be in this place at this time to help this person when she needs it. Sort of humbling, in the comforting sense, but it makes the journey worth every step. I am who I am and am able to do what I’m doing because of a direction that a kind man pointed me in 35 years ago.

You think you know why you’re doing something, but you don’t, really. You don’t determine the reason, it may not be what you think it is, and you may not know the reason for many years, if at all. You just do what needs to be done because it needs to be done, and it will all work out.