I don't expect my funeral to be well-attended.
I know that you were not trying to be funny with this one line, but it made me think about my own demise and ceremony, assuming they even hold one. I can attest that mine will have a very sparse gathering. That is again assuming that anyone will be there. In fact, the humorous part was me thinking about the fact that there could well be a few happy dancers there, awaiting the moment when any official ceremony is over so that they can start a jig on that mound. There is no one that has not made a few enemies in life, at times without even any knowledge of doing so until after the fact.
That was what stuck me as funny. Your wonderful words were not what I was talking about. I appreciate your kindness.
I suppose the concept of being 'special' has its appeal, but I was never trying for that. I just wanted to be able to survive and do what I love to do.
But, I couldn't even do that. My body has given out due to slaving away at trying to get to that plateau. My mind is collapsing because I see no reason to stop it from happening. I have a husband. He is becoming a zombie because he is the only one working. He slaves away at a place that has screwed him so completely that he is also in need of some serious mental health aid. We cannot find anything because there is only thing for the wealthy. Only they can find actual medical help of any real worth. We are not even close to that level, so we are 'expendable'. I have to sit and watch him slowly wear away every day. I can do nothing. I have tried to find some work, even though that will be a royal shitshow as I cannot be dependable or reliable as far as being able to to do whatever it is. My neuropathy may act up at any time, along with my arthritis, or I may just mentally shut down. I am not going to find out, though, as no one is interested in hiring someone who looks as defeated and decrepit as I do.
You should see my new drivers license photo. I look like the typical old fart who yells at the clouds. Because I could not smile. I thought I was doing so. I thought I was smiling. It is a grimace. We tried three times, and it just got worse. I finally just went with the one that is on there now. I am embarrassed to even show it. It looks like the evil twin of me, like in that Star Trek TOS episode 'The Enemy Within'.
I just wish everyone a satisfied life. I did not get one, but I hope that others do. That is my motivation and it is why I say what I say. We are not aware enough yet to understand that this country is still biased in every way and the 'progress' that we think we have made is all superficial. There is so much rot in this situation and I despair because we don't seem interested in fixing it. Just patching it enough to let us get out of the current mess, then the kids can deal with it.
That sucks, in my opinion. (Sorry for the rambling. I have no one to talk to around here.)
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