Wow. I started posting here and the place died like my career!**trigger warning** [View all]
I apologize for that. This curse is a tough one.
Today, I went to get a script filled. My husband went with me. Tomorrow is our 21st wedding anniversary. Neither of us can do anything about it. We have just over one hundred dollars to last us till after the first. We will be sitting here in our shitty apartment trying to act like the other is not here. Well, he will be doing this, I won't. He is ignoring me, because apparently everything is my fault.
In some ways, he is right. My body is failing fast and I take too many pills and other things to try and ease the effects, and now I am unable to fix my mouth, which is partly why he is so distant. I look like a stereotypical rural redneck. It is no wonder that he doesn't want to kiss me and doesn't want to be around me. I am not worth the trouble. It is also part of the reason I have had such issues with cultivating friendships, as I guess people are just too superficial to handle my dental issues. I am also quite convinced that this is why no one will hire me to do anything, or volunteer anywhere. I may be wrong, but it fits the facts.
I am not asking for anything (other than a peaceful and painless death as soon as possible). I hate doing that. I really hate it.
The state was supposed to be there for those who reached my position. That turned out to be a joke. I will be applying for SS now, since I have turned 62. It will be an insulting amount, considering I have been paying into that system since I was twelve. It will be so insulting that I will question why I am bothering to even attempt this crap once again. But, there is my husband. I have failed everyone, even myself, but the failure that I have brought to this man is beyond all that. I failed to be anything other than an albatross.
Now, I am becoming unsure about everything. I was aware that my mental faculties were starting to suffer, but now it is getting bad enough that I have to consider not doing things because of the dangers involved. It also means that things are even more screwed around here because there is no one else. We don't know anyone around here, other than a few acquaintances who are not in the equation, and I am past my wits end.
The reason that I am here now is because I was too much of a coward the three times I 'tried'. Things are possibly getting to the point where I may be able to forgo the concerns about potentially failing and finally be able to save the planet and my husband.
It really hurts to realize that no one gives one hoot about myself. Even my husband is about to give up caring.
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