Hello my friends. I am having real trouble with Christmas.

[curious_citizen]

18. Life, and death, comes at you fast, then you have the holidays..

I am sharing because I feel your pain and discomfort. In 2003 my mother in law passed away just prior to Christmas so suffice it to say it was not full of cheer in our household. Then in february of 2004 my wife found a lump in her breast and unfortunately it was malignant. While we were adjusting to our new reality, my mother was diagnosed with a similar lump in june of that year. My mom and wife both had mastectomies to attempt to eradicate the problem. Two weeks later my mother is rushed to emergency with the chills. Several weeks later we have to unplug her from the machines. So within the course of 10 months we lost two mothers and were fighting to save my wife's life. So that holiday season was about as fun as it could be, Not. My wife survived til 2007, then cancer won the fight.
Folks ask how we enjoyed the holidays or what we are doing, I usually say we are just gonna have a quiet Christmas, when in reality I would love to feel inspired and decorating, smelling cakes, and pies, etc.. but I am just not in the mood. Most of the time I dont bring the ornaments down or decorate outside, it is just too painful.
PS I got remarried to a woman that I thought would provide some of those feelings and things, but neither she or I was ready for what it took to climb that hill. the marriage lasted an agonizing 8 months. I feel blessed to have had a great marriage the first time and will always cherish the laughter, and memories.